There’s nothing quite like seeing a bride-to-be downing shots in her sash and crown, surrounded by her giggling besties, while simultaneously being whacked in the face with a giant dildo affectionately named Theodore…

Just me? Well with lasses getting a ring on it left right and centre (the perils of being closer to 30 than 20 *sob*), I’ve been privy to my fair share as of late.

A tradition as old as the exchange of vows itself, a hens party is generally a night of devilish debauchery to celebrate the bride-to-be’s upcoming nuptials. AKA the end to her single life as an avid peen purveyor. 

But with the rise in afternoon high teas, life-drawing classes or even weekends away; gone are the days when a hens party meant a simple dinner, questionable toys and copious amounts of alcohol.

So if you’re planning on hosting one anytime soon, read on for my top 5 tips in order to ensure your hen has a night to remember (or not, given the potency of wet pussy shots)…

1. The $$$ Involved – Just because you, as the hen’s sister or best friend, have been awaiting this day since she was a volatile teenager, does NOT mean every other lass in her life has been.

Ergo, they may not have/be willing to splash the sort of cash you are. If the hen wants a weekend away or an extravagant night out, perhaps have separate parties so a group of her closest friends who can afford such a flamboyant event can attend, and then a night in town so all the work dames/spin-class pals etc can attend.

Because as much as they might have giggles and chats at the water cooler, Mia in accounts may not want to blow entire weeks pay for a wild weekend away with 90% of people she doesn’t know.

The trick is to be mindful and think about things from everyone’s point of view. And if the hen ends up having a weekend away AND a loose night out, then she’s a lucky little squid and certainly won’t be complaining.

2. Food & Beverages – Ensure that part of the festivities involves food, whether it’s something you put on or an actual meal as these gals need to line the ol’ tums. Which leads me to beverages. Jelly shots, champagne, mojitos; generally people drink alcohol at hen’s parties so #win at hosting by offering up several options. It’s always better to over-cater than under so get prepping. Penis cakes and

Which leads me to beverages. Jelly shots, champagne, mojitos; generally people drink alcohol at hen’s parties so #win at hosting by offering up several options. It’s always better to over-cater than under so get prepping. Penis cakes and

It’s always better to over-cater than under so get prepping. Penis cakes and cocktails optional.

3. Games – There are LOADS of hilarious games to play at a hens party, from traditional (tamer) games like ‘the toilet paper dress’ to the raunchier ‘pin the penis on the man’ (you can imagine how hilarious this game can get after champagne).

Make sure you have some prizes at the ready and for naughtier parties a quick trip to an adults store should suffice. Here are a few of my favourite games:

• Penis Playdough – As the name suggests, guests receive a pot of playdough to craft their own appendage. The bride-to-be chooses winning peen. Points are usually allocated to bouts of creativity involving veins, hairs etc
• Naughty Charades – Get on urban dictionary (or find a dirty-minded pal *raises hand) and create a collection of truly appalling sex acts ranging from the tame and easier to some seriously messed up business. The rules are exactly like traditional charades but 1000 times funnier. Seeing the bride’s mother act out ‘finger banging’ will firmly be printed into the hen’s retinas making it a memory to last a lifetime.
• You’re Marrying THAT – Find the most horribly awful picture of the groom and get the bride to carry it around all night (this only works at non-private venues). Whenever someone yells out a certain word the hen must show the person closest to her the picture. If she can’t keep a straight face she has to have a shot!
• Never Have I Ever – Shamelessly popular at parties for a reason, this game is sure to reveal a secret or 2 about the group. Sit in a circle and say something you haven’t (or have if you’re a masochist) done, and anyone that has done the deed in question has to have a drink! There’s always one person who gets roguishly drunk from this one!

4. Entertainment – Don’t immediately assume the bride-to-be wants entertainment in the form of a stripper grinding on her to the beats of ‘Pony’, or questionable stretchiness displayed by a Puppetry of the Penis performer.

I was recently at a hen’s where the bride wanted no part of the naked men dancing around the hotel room. I (happily) took one for the team and informed the twerking male in front of me with the washboard stomach that I was the hen *smirks.

My point is to choose the entertainment based on the personality and preferences of the hen as every gal is different.

You could have a spa day, personal master mixologist whipping up cocktails, a wine tour, pole dancing classes, penis paraphernalia scavenger hunt, or yes if you know she’ll like it, her very own personal ‘Magic Mike’ show.

5. Guest Etiquette – Some fillies are perfectly content with their Mum and Aunt Unis watching in abject fascination as they get grinded on by Stripper Sam. Some, not so much.

Speak to your hen and find out exactly what she wants and who should be invited. A great way to involve all the ladies in her life is to have 2 sections of festivities; the first being in the afternoon or a dinner do to which the oldies can attend, the second is after they’ve left and the naughtiness factor can be amped up.

Please, PLEASE make the separation clear with ‘hints’ or completely different invitations, as the death of Grandma Gladis really doesn’t need to come in the form of a peen-induced heart attack.

So there you have it ladies, a few ideas to help your hen have the night of her life. What hilarious hens night tales do you have?

Words by Kelly McCarren.