This is Kelly…

Kelly is a (somewhat) respectful lass with a proper grown-up job. She has a flat, keeps plants alive most of the time, can whip up a mean dish and she’s even responsible for two naughty little kittens. Kelly is a nice lass and will listen to your problems while gently sipping on a glass of rose before heading off to her Nanny’s to install a new terrarium.

This is Alice…

Alice is an uncontrollable monster with a thirst for debauchery.

I’m sure you too, have an alter-ego who can relate to Alice and her shameful ways, so join me down this wobbly walk of shame…

#1 – Dancing when you really shouldn’t attempt to move in any sort of rhythm in public 💃

Alice likes to twerk. Alice can’t twerk. Alice looks like this twerking.

#2 – Drunk dialling or messaging someone you bloody well shouldn’t 🙄

Alice is generally too invested in her twerking attempts to participate in this particular drunken debauchery TF.

#3 -Taking home a stranger you think is a solid nine, only to wake up and realise he’s a three at best 🤦

Alice doesn’t like chaps to stay. That way Alice will always congratulate herself on the slew of nines she manages to seduce.

#4 – Not washing your makeup off 🙅

Alice has woken up many a time with her face imprinted on her pillow. Lovely crusty mess it leaves.

#5 – Attempting to ‘fix’ your makeup when you’re 11 prosecco’s deep 😒

Put the makeup away Alice. You know what happens when you start wielding brushes in a  drunken state…

#6 – Getting a tattoo 😱

Luckily Alice hasn’t done this before but my word has she tried.

#7 – Smashing your phone screen 🤳

Bloody Alice is a damn menace when it comes to keeping her phone useable on a night out. The number of times she’s woken up to an unreadable screen is sickening.

#8 – Trying to wreck the bouncer👊

Alice has seen this happen too many times. And may or may not have had her own altercation with one…

#9 – Pretending you’re rich AF 🤑

Kelly spends way too much on her rent and makeup to be an overly generous person. But Alice on the other hand? Oh don’t you worry, shots are on her.

#10 – Bonding with people you despise 👯

Kelly likes to keep her distance from people she thinks are a bit ‘off’. Alice becomes besties with them and then before you know it, Kelly has an unwanted coffee ‘catch-up’ with someone when she hardly has time for people she doesn’t want to remove from the planet.

#11 – Eating things you shouldn’t 🤫

Kelly is a firm vegetarian. Alice is not.

#12 – Crying 😭

No. No one should cry when drunk. It’s the furthest thing from cute.

#12 – Getting sloppy 🤮

Alice should take herself home if she’s feeling it a bit too much. Not end up catatonic on someone’s bathroom floor or shouting at poor Susan for taking too long in the loo.

Words by Kelly McCarren.