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TV & Film
15 August 2019
First of all, I’d like to give C10 a round of applause.
Because for the first time in the history of The Bachelor AU, you delivered on your promise of drrrahhhma. So much so, that the actual show was better than the click-baity shit you flooded us with prior. Well done.
The girls having a bitch sesh (shocker) is what we open with, mainly about Abbie and Smart Science Man having a few dirty ol’ pashes on Osher’s aunt’s rug at the cocktail party. What I find interesting is that they’re all unaware that sweet and innocent Elly did EXACTLY the same thing last week…
The girls are all promised a fancy trip away but it’s literally just an hour away and only because the sales team over-promised the car #sp and the producers were like ‘FFS let’s just send them to the central coast so we can get good shots of the cars’.
Smart Science Man and Abbie do some fruit squishing with their feet and no.
Smart Science Man then tries to FEED her the juice from their smelly, sweaty old feet and no.
We all collectively cringe and vom a lil’ bit and it’s just not good.
They kiss and get in the pool and get sexual.
And then Smart Science Man asks for the tea so Abbie tells him the below:
1) Emma has been casting love spells in the kitchen because she’s worried she hasn’t had a single date…
2) Mary has been hotboxing everyone at night with her steamy farts…
4) The cheerleader gets night terrors and it’s really annoying when she wakes everyone up at 3am…
4) Monique has been uttering phrases about him like ‘dog c*nt’ and ‘disrespectful dog’ …
For some reason, the tea about Monique is the only thing Smart Science Man seems to care about which pisses Abbie off as she really wanted the night terror situation dealt with.
After they’ve finished having the sex, we move onto a group date which involves sitting around in a circle, drinking and exchanging stories. This sounds exactly like ‘never have I ever’ but there’s one GLARINGLY giant issue with this version of a time honoured game…
There are NINE people playing and only TWO bottles of wine.
EFF is Osh playing at.
That isn’t even a thimble each!
Smart Science Man is impressed the most with Smart Science Lady, Chels, as it’s always the quiet ones and he learned ALL about her love of butt play in their game.
They go off on a couch and Osher’s aunt’s rug and talk about how nerdy they both are and how she brought a science textbook into the house and bitch if you ain’t studying that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Back at the house we THINK we’re about to see the draahhma but lol, there’s another date just to keep the suspense going a bit longer and it’s Helena that sounds like Yelena (or is it the other way around) and they literally pick around a dirty old oyster.
This is not a date. This is a science class with Smart Science Man and it’s horrible. I would rather share a room with ol’ hotboxing Mary than suffer through this shit.
FINALLY, we reach the drahhhmaaatic cocktail party and Monique is SHOOK that Smart Science Man is confronting her.
Basically, Smart Science Man says ‘scuse me Mon but did you or did you not call me the c-word when you were sunning yourself the other day?’ and Monique denies it. Smart Science Man goes and gets Abbie, who sits between them and passive-aggressively informs Mon that she’s a liar. Mon is still shook and saying ‘no I did not’. Smart Science Man interrogates EVERY single other person there who all agree she did say it and for the love of my sanity, could he not just break the fourth wall for the added draahma and ask a producer?
Smart Science Man is literally my dad and groups all the girls together so he can scold them.
*For some reason, he sends that cute ukelele girl home which is a damn shame but at least we will get more of Mon and her ‘flowery’ language in the next ep.
*Reason obviously being he was sternly told by the producers he must keep her.
Tonight we start with a recap of the draahhma that went down last night and well, we know… we were there. Out of all the episodes to miss, last night wasn’t it. Some of the girls have been chosen to go play ‘wedding-themed’ games in a muddy park and for some reason, Osh has brought his aunt’s rug…
But… it looks like it’s been cut? But surely Osh wouldn’t do that…
She’s going to be pretty pissed. Judging by the girl’s mud-soaked bottoms, the rug is going to be a mess.
The games are weird. Osh IS clearly annoyed he’s never been invited to a bridal shower and has devised his own version without actually understanding what’s ok.
Osh… why are there shears?
The girls all conspire to kick Abbie out of the game which seems really mean. I HATE when there’s a bunch of girls watching and giggling. It’s so juvenile and embarrassing. YOU ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Vakoo wins but she’s drunk again and literally can’t use her words. It’s horrifying to watch and we know Osh is lurking nearby hissing at her to sober TF up or she’ll be sent to bed early again.
Chels wins the next single date and Smart Science Man takes her to his own Airbnb for the day bach pad to throw food at her before suggesting a dip in the pool.
Smart Science Man, surely you understand the chemistry behind putting food in the pool… it’s not good.
20 minutes of Smart Science Man and the winner Chels basically just looking at each other lovingly and talking about how cool and smart the other is passes. It’s pretty cute to watch tbh. I give it 3 years and we’ll have a very Smart Science Baby joining the world.
At the cocktail party, draaahhhmmma and tension are at an all-time high.
Monique is booted and Osh arrives to tell the girls. Glowy Skin Girl says ‘it’s never a good thing when Osher turns up’. IDK, which seems like a giant lie since the girls literally scream with glee every time they see him.
Abbie pretends to care.
Osh makes Smart Science Man do the rose ceremony still. He’d lit all the candles and counted his roses just for it. He whispers to Smart Science Man to send Vakoo home because Osh can’t handle another RSA warning about her on-air drunken antics.
Until next week…
Missed what happened last week? We recapped it right here.
Read E1 recap here and E2 here.
Complete fabrication by Kelly McCarren.
21 October 2021
18 October 2021