I have a confession to make.
Despite my best efforts, I was running horribly late for tonight’s episode. I was still scurrying down Bourke Street while Osher was doing all the ‘beginning bits’.
Barging through the front door, slightly sweaty from my scurrying, I shout at Luke to tell me what I missed, then I spot an airborne smart science man in a chopper with some glowy skinned girl I didn’t notice last night. I beeline to do a wee while Luke says something about ‘date card’ and ‘girls screaming’, which sounds about right. By the time I come out of the loo, the lass I didn’t notice yesterday is wearing a frock that looks suspiciously like this one in gold and smart science man has taken her to watch the bloody orchestra. Which seems… awkward. Like you can’t check your phone or yawn. You can’t even go get another drink if you’re the only ones there, now can you?
After the ad break, they’re having a chat on Osher’s aunt’s rug. They both get boners and exchange saliva and all I can think about is how glowy her skin is. I mean do you think she uses The Ordinary? Cause everyone seems to rn and I need to jump on that bandwagon if so. That bitch is GLOWIN’.
Glowy skin girl goes back to the mansion and gloats about kissing everyone’s boyfriend while she waves her rose around merrily. Side note, bragging about kissing everyone’s boyfriend really isn’t the right way to win over new pals. That’s clearly something the glowy skin girl wasn’t taught in Persian school, because did you know she was Persian?
Aleida has arrived from OITNB but she’s calling herself ‘Jessica’ for some reason. Which, FYI, is confusing to me as I JUST saw her land her ass back in prison and Hopper isn’t going to be happy she’s come to Australia without him.
Osher takes all the girls on a group date with smart science man. But, he’s actually just creating a diversion for the giant spanner he’s about to throw into the works.
The intruders arrive, even though you can’t really be an ‘intruder’ after a day but ok. Let’s just go along with Osher’s ploy and see what he comes up with. Luke starts scoffing behind me about where the intruder’s luggage is and FFS Luke, that is not important. However, watching a bunch of girls totter down a gravel path in heels while they tow 3-months worth of luggage would bring me great joy.
It’s ad break time! Why, WHY is the Horny Badger on our ads? Some of us have PTSD after last season and we do NOT want to see that hairy muff mo on our screens.
It’s the second cocktail party in two days and at this rate, the girls are all panicked that they didn’t pack enough makeup wipes. They’re all *six prosecco’s deep and one starts shouting ‘OI WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE OTHER GIRLS AT?’ (probably Nicole with a H). One of them brings out popcorn (probably the cutest girl alive) and they eat it with the same enthusiasm I do when I’m 30 pages deep on Instagram.
Julia with her ukelele arrives and she is the wholesome lady everyone would trust their kids with and I love her.
A super hot blonde arrives and smart science man comes in his pants (as do 80% of Australian men watching and 10% of the women).
An excitable young cub arrives called Nikki. Poor Nikki is too young to have watched Friends so she never learnt from Rachel that cheering isn’t the way to a man’s heart.
Another Persian lady arrives and glowy skin girl is not happy about having another Persian lass in the mansion. No one has the balls to remind her that there are at least 11 tall, skinny blondes so having just two Persians really isn’t a big deal. Channel 10 wastes a good 6 minutes of air time on the debate about the acceptable number of Persians in the bach pad. At this point, I wish Nikki would start cheerleading again.
It’s rose ceremony time and with the help of very dramatic background music, Osh explains basic maths to the girls.
Nicole with a H was clearly trying to sabotage her **’doppelganger’. She’s obviously showed her where Jarrod’s pot plant is hidden and as a result, Monique’s eyes are a lil’ red. We aren’t privy to seeing it but we know Nicole with a H dobbed her into Osh afterwards. Actually, it looks like quite a few of them have neem enjoying the fruits of Jarrod’s pot plant…I would too to be fair. There’s not much else to do.
Ok, so Osh doesn’t even bother showing us the 6 chicks who got booted which means they got no air time so the entire ‘intruder’ ploy was a completely useless exercise. Why not just START with the ones you wanted?!
*Why are the wine glasses that weird plastic-looking faux crystal? Did they need to be red? Out of all the glasses in the world, why did someone choose those fugly things?
**Having the same hair colour does NOT equate to ‘doppelganger’ status. I think Nicole with a H was too busy getting chased by bboiiiizzz in da car that day at school when everyone else learnt that.
BTW where the eff was Vakoo?
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) August 1, 2019