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24 June 2019
About to hit the beach for a little passion-filled afternoon of nookie? What about a quick session in the shower? You may want to hit the brakes on that. Sure, it may seem like a good idea to take the action out of the bedroom but why turn your back on a sure thing? Because there are a few places that are apparently awesome to have sex but let’s face it, really aren’t.
Joining the Mile High Club seems to be something to be aspired to but let’s assess here: have you seen the state of the average aeroplane toilet?! Imagine gross then times it by a thousand. Do you really want to do anything remotely carnal in there? Plus, unless you intend to have sex with someone who’s no bigger than a matchbox, and unless you’re about as flexible as the average cast member of Cirque de Soleil, no position in the world is going to be classified as enjoyable. You’re more likely to come away with a back injury than an orgasm.
This seems to regularly be touted as one of those really hot places to get down and dirty but call us practical because all we can think is there is just SO. MUCH. SAND. You know how annoying it is trying to get sand out of all your stuff at the end of the day at the beach? Yeah, imagine that problem in your nether regions. Now let’s throw some friction into the mix and you may as well have gone to town on yourself with some sandpaper from Bunnings.
Unless you live with your parents and legit don’t really have a place to have sex, then the backseat of the car is probably not the greatest place for a passion-filled encounter. The seats are in all the wrong places, there are things sticking out everywhere (hello seatbelt buckles) and if you’re in a hatchback? Forget it.
The vibe is there — the bubbles, the half-nakedness, the steam… but do not let that fool you because the spa is a god awful place to have sex. Not only does spa water contain practically every bacteria known to man, but there is also the rather pertinent issue of zero lubrication. Those bubbles are going to wash away every semblance of bodily fluid you’ll need to avoid a serious chafing situation. And if there’s one place you do not want chafing it’s down there.
If the stars align and you’ve been blessed with a shower the size of Tasmania and a ginormous hot water tank then, by all means, go for it. However, a minuscule shower does not good sexy times make. Not only is it supremely difficult to contort yourself into something resembling a sex position in an area the size of a linen cupboard, you then have to frantically try and come to a climactic finish – all while trying not to slip on wet tiles – before the hot water runs out and you risk getting hypothermia down south.
Solid advice by Tania Gomez
26 March 2020
24 March 2020