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30 August 2018
House parties are what chocolate is to dogs: deadly but god damn enjoyable.
If you manage to remember anything after polishing off a bottle of BYO vodka thanks to no bar lines or lockout laws, you may recall running into these usual suspects in the loo line…
Usually spotted by their bare feet and bandana, this human temple of wisdom is ready to pounce with real talk about the ‘experience’ they had with the ‘locals’ in Guatemala. They’ll go on and on about how much they hate Sydney/Melbourne, but don’t worry, they’re just here to save up again until they can head to South America with nothing but a backpack, their sense of adventure and a domain name with the word ‘wanderlust’ in it.
She starts off well, all brave face and bodycon dress, but as the party punch hits her so do all the feels. Champagne bottle clutched in hand, she’ll never admit to missing Jack, or whatever her sodding ex’s name is, but she’ll do her best to bring him up in conversation and add to her Snapchat story as much as possible so he can see what he’s ‘missing’. Usually winds up exiting early in a taxi en route to his house.
Makes a joke about being an accountant and how boring they must be because of their job. Usually turns out to be boring. Avoid at all costs.
The woo girls travel in packs of three or four, dressed similarly in denim skirts and different coloured bodysuits because #individuality. They’re here for a good time and their vocals show it. Champagne bottle pops? “Wooooo!” Song change? “Woooo!” Toilet time? “Woooo!”.
The person hosting the party probably spent hours crafting the perfect playlist for the night, but the party starter does not give a flying fuck. At first sight of the aux cord, they promise to deliver a banger that will make everyone run to the dancefloor immediately and beg for them to DJ the rest of the night. Except it usually ends up being a shitty DJ Khaled remix and everyone quickly relocates the speakers while they duck off to take a piss.
Why is that guy that nobody likes here? And why has he been in the bedroom all night? And why do people keep going in, closing the door, and then leav… ohhhhh.
18 October 2021
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30 September 2021