Dating Reviews

Fifty Shades Darker Review

13 February 2017

I’m not sure there are many females that actually watch the Fifty Shades series aspirationally…. Well I bloody well hope not anyway.

Regardless, it’s a bloody hilarious chick-flick and I braved the rain at Sydney’s moonlight cinema last night to bring you this review. So without further adieu…

So without further adieu…


  1. Ok, we’re starting with flashbacks to a troubled childhood because #drama and OBVIOUSLY to be a messed up adult you OBVIOUSLY need that troubled childhood to blame it on.
  2. Anastasia gets huge, amazing bouquet from Grey and like all smart women goes to throw them out.
    Dude, that’s a good $250 bouquet…  
  3. Seriously why do women do that in movies? Even if my ex-boyfriends new GF sent me flowers I’d keep them.
  4. Flowers are expensive y’all.
  5. Good, she keeps them.
  6. Now Steele is at work and she greets her boss like he’s her goddamn teacher. YOU’RE A GROWN ADULT HUMAN STEELE.
  7. Ew, the boss is a massive creep because all male bosses are apparently creeping, according to 70% of Hollywood films.
  8. Now we know the villain of the film (for #drama) is Creepy B0ss Man.
  9. The girl from the ring appears at Anastasia’s work and knows her name.
    Wrong movie Samara. 
  10. After work she goes to a gallery opening.
  11. In my entire professional career, I have never once gone to a ‘gallery opening’ after work.
  12. That would be so boring, whatever happened to drinks.
  13. LOL her friend who is not-so-secretly in love with her has plastered her dang face all over the walls.
  14. Grey buys them because Steele is his property and that’s what all supportive and crazy controlling ex-lovers do right?
  15. She agrees to dinner because she’s hungry and in America, they obviously don’t have Macdonalds, Five Guys, Taco Bell, Chipotle, Wendy’s, Pizza Hut or any fast-food place to get dinner, take home and eat while you enjoy your lovely big bunch of roses.
  16. At dinner, he orders for her and she stops him because she’s a smart independent woman who can order a quinoa salad because #feminism.
  17. He would like to ‘renegotiate the terms of their contract’…..
  19. Seriously, this is a date, where is the banter at.
  20. Much staring.
  21. Much silence.
  22. Oh god, he’s moaning about his troubled childhood and this idiot THANKS him for boring her with his sob story.
    This date is beyond boring. 
  23. They talk about having a ‘vanilla’ relationship and ‘vanilla’ sex and I’m so bored I want to die.
  24. If I wanted to talk about boring relationship stuff and have missionary sex I’d have stayed at home.
  25. Back at his or her pad (who knows I was bored and not paying attention), we see some nice bewbs before he dives into her muff with no warning.
  26. Given we’re 10 mins into the film, the muff-diving is obviously a successful segway so we forget about how boring their conversation at dinner was.
    giphy (20).gif
    Taj knew the ancient art of muff-diving… and parking the porpoise. 
  27. While they’re snoozing the girl from The Ring lurks at the bottom of the bed.
  28. Steele brings the term ‘kinky fuckery’ into the world and I rejoice.
  29. I can hear it all over the world ‘stop trying to make kinky fuckery happen’. giphy.gif
  30. Grey gives Steel an APPLE iPhone and APPLE Mac because APPLE has obviously paid a lot in advertising fees.
  31. Creepy Boss Man takes Steele out for an after work dranks and Steele is arwks until Grey comes in and tells Creepy Boss Man that ‘HE’S the boyfriend’ to which Creepy Boss Man replies ‘yeah well I’m the boss’ – because #drama.
  32. Grey prattles on some more about Steele being his property and blah blah. My eyes are rolling around so much they’re getting an awesome workout.
  33. There’s a ball party and because everyone loves the good ol’ makeover plotline, he enlists the help of some experts. enhanced-28010-1453847017-5.jpg
  34. Including Eminem’s mum who is apparently the Mrs Robinson figure who led him into the ‘darkness’.8-mile-2002-27-g.jpg
  35. She old.
  36. She old AF.
  37. Steele cracks the shits about Eminem’s mum being there and Grey stares at her.
  38. More staring.
  39. So pensive.
  40. Steele gets spanked and she needs some more meat on her bones if it’s hurting her that much.
  41. Grey says some extremely wankery things about earning $24K in 15mins and buying an airline and Steele along with the entire audience dies a little inside.
  42. Steele is dressed in extremely intricate lingerie which is the LEAST likely thing someone would wear under a ball gown.
  43. Spanx. What you wear is spanx.
  44. Grey wants to put some giant shiny balls in Steele’s muff because this is a kinky movie and what can be kinkier than walking around with giant shiny balls hanging from your muff.
  45. He puts the giant shiny balls in her mouth to ‘lubricate’ them and I cringe at the unsanitariness of it.
  46. Seriously watching her do this is about as sexy as spanx.
  47. Steele wears a grey dress because she belongs to Grey.
  48. Boring party talk.
  49. No one’s drunk so I don’t care.
  50. Hot MILF fake-mum talks about something that’s really dull.
  51. My ice cream is more interesting than this shit.
  52. They sneak away from the dullness to play with their giant shiny balls.
  53. Bewbs.
  54. I wonder if they left the giant shiny balls lying around?
  55. I mean they kinda look like a toy…
  56. Nek minute young Jimbo is using them as a rattle LOL.
  57.  The ball party is still boring and no one is drunk.
  58. Eminem’s mum comes out and although her face doesn’t move, I THINK she’s pissed that she is no longer Grey’s cougar.
  59. Yawn. Steele and Grey are bickering about ‘vanilla’ sex and blah blah.
  60. Really riveting.
  61. Oh sheeeeeet the gal from The Ring has fucked up Steele’s car because #drama.
  62. So Grey takes Steele on a boat because #logic.
  63. He lets her drive the boat on an open stretch of water when it literally requires absolutely no manoeuvring whatsoever.
    Oh FFS. 
  64. She’s extremely excited to have her hands on the wheel and not do anything.
  65. This is about as cringe-worthy as that stupid ‘bird’ scene in The Notebook. tumblr_mk4y9h9oGN1qmn5ngo1_250.gifb1f9cdb8747b66edb7587c798153d4bf.jpg
  66. Grey talks more about his troubled childhood because #drama and once again it’s really boring.
  67. Steele must return to her place to get her toothbrush because although Grey earns $24K in 15mins he can’t buy her a toothbrush.
  68. Her apartment is nice. REALLY nice.
  69. Except the girl from The Ring is there and she obviously wants her videotape back as she shoots at Steele and everyone in the audience is gasping which is so dumb because Steele is obviously not going to die.
    Just download your movie Samara, it’s easier. 
  70. Guys this is a love story.
  71. OBVIOUSLY, Grey races in and then using his peen powers on The Ring girl, subdues her into submission.
  72. He then pats her like a dog and I’m really confused.
  73. Steele is at work and Creepy Boss Man is annoyed that she won’t go away with him for work. Creepy Boss Man cracks the shits about a few things and then tells Steele that he will make her ‘come harder than she ever has’ and I find that hard to believe unless he’s borrowed Grey’s giant shiny balls.
    NO MEANS NO Creepy Boss Man.
  74. Steele whimpers like a baby and doesn’t kick him in the balls and throw a book at his head.
  75. I’m baffled.
  76. Ok, she escapes and Grey just happens to be waiting outside because he owns her so he is obviously always waiting.
  77. Grey ‘sorts’ things out. AKA gets the dude fired (valid) and ensures Steele is promoted from assistant to the editor… (not so valid, bitch ain’t got no experience).
  78. She reads a lot and is shy so therefore she will make a very adept editor because #logic.
  79. At dinner Grey asks Steele to ‘take off her panties’ and I want to sink into a black hole at the word ‘panties’.
  80. That line should have been given to Creepy Boss Man.
  81. I’m watching with only one eye open with an inherent fear he’s going to sniff them, like in the first film.
  82. In the elevator, he starts using his digits on her while there are other people in the elevator because this is a kinky movie guys. fifty-shades-002-03.gif
  83. Much breathing.
  84. Much head being thrown back.
  85. He tells her not to ‘come’ (another word that makes me die a little inside) and I realise she’s been faking it the entire time if he thinks he can get her there in the 20-30 seconds it takes even a tall elevator to get to the bottom.
  86. Poor orgasm-less Steele.
  87. Steele wants to try a new contraption she found in the ‘red room’ that Grey was clearly clever enough to steal from a cattle farm.
  88. She fakes another orgasm as he straps her to the cattle rod thingy and the poor chap is chuffed with his skills so flips her over in one wrist flick to finish himself off.
  89. This happens and they talk about more feelings.
    Sitting on the ground talking about all the feels and a troubled childhood. 
  90. And legit, all I can think is…HaGayyy.gif
  91. She wakes up in the middle of the night and has her ‘panties’ back on from the restaurant. She probably took them from under Grey’s pillow.
  92. She presses her bewbs against the glass in pensive thought because this movie is sah much #drama.
  93. Grey is having a nightmare that he doesn’t own Steele anymore so he proposes in his ‘sleep’.
  94. Steele wakes up in the morning and hunts for her captor man.
  95. He’s doing his morning workout and it involves pull-ups and acrobatics and gymnastics.
  96. I’m lucky to go for a walk in the morning and this dude is on a balance beam.
  97. The set designer has oiled him up and he looks lovely.
  98. She tells him she’s going to have to think about this proposal because #suspense and #drama.
  99. Who are you kidding Steele, we all know you’ll say yes.
  100. She goes for a walk to think.Forlorn-Contemplation.gif
  101. A 4-hour walk.
  102. Much thinking.
  103. Much pondering.
  104. Grey is randomly flying a helicopter and it crashes.
  105. Steele and family and friend who is not-so-secretly in love with her watch the news and she is very distressed.
  106. So much #drama.
  107. He’s alive and needs to see ‘his girl’.
  108. She gives him a keyring that promises to be his possession forever.
  109. Celebrations are in order so they go into the shower fully clothed to take off their clothes and have sex. tumblr_odgjhyHFnR1rm4qrho1_500.gif
  110. Much passion.
  111. Much washing and drying after.
  112. Oh wait he earns $24K in 15mins, the servant will look after it duh.
  113. His birthday party is quite the bash and for such a #troubled weirdo he has heaps of friends.
  114. Oh no, Eminem’s mum stirs some shit but then fake-mum-Grey bitch slaps her. 6359576387728688482086880161_byebey.gif
  115. He takes her to his special lair where he keeps his ‘Ana shrine’ and she is super impressed and he got her a giant shiny rock but she looks a bit disappointed there aren’t any giant shiny balls.
    giphy (19).gif
    “Don’t worry the fireworks only cost 35mins”. 
  116. I swear this chick has a magic muff.
  117. Creepy Boss Man is back and the movie ends with this plot twist because #drama.

And now we wait a whole year till we find out if Steele wears her favourite giant shiny balls to her wedding.


Words by Kelly McCarren.