If you don’t have a vagina of your own, what it does can be pretty mystical. And hell, even if you’ve had one for years, it can still pull out some surprising moves. Now don’t worry, we’re not going to tell you to grab a mirror and have a real good look at your junk (unless you want to, then go for it), but if you’ve been thinking ‘gosh I hope I have a normal vagina’, here are some of the kinda-weird but stock-standard things your downstairs department does.
Expels creamy white stuff 😨
Yeah look, sugarcoating isn’t for us today. Despite being something literally every woman experiences, vaginal discharge doesn’t exactly drop into conversation with ease. A bit of a milky colour is completely normal and will usually appear just after or just before your period. If it doesn’t smell funky, it’s harmless, other than staining your black underwear for the day.
Expels clear snot-like stuff 🤨
Oh yes, it comes in other colours too! So fun. When it’s clear, runny and snot-like, it’s likely that you’re ovulating. Also a-ok. Extra watery and you’ve probably just exercised (or become aroused you dirty dog you). Green, yellow and gunky discharge might be a sign of something more and you should discuss with your doctor because that isn’t a sign of a normal vagina.
If you’ve ever been turned on in your life, and we hope that feeling is somewhere in the millions by now, you’ll have noticed that your downstairs department notably dampens at your arousal. Or you’ve noticed when it doesn’t, which is one of the many reasons lubricant is available for purchase. The fluid responsible for your slippery sensation comes from the ‘Bartholin’s gland’, which is somewhere between your vagina and vulva. Everyone’s juice is different in terms of what the fluid is actually made of and the quantity, but one thing is certain, it’s presence means good things only.
Bleeds (sometimes a lot, sometimes not so much) 🤷
This one we do get told about, kind of. If you’re a rare breed who actually gets the ‘monthly visits’ we’re schooled on like clockwork, cherish it. The reality for the rest of us (especially the many of us using some kind of hormonal contraception) is that our ‘vaginal bleeds’ come whenever they bloody hell want to. ‘Spotting’ aka when there’s a little blood or bloody discharge, can occur even if it’s not technically ‘period time’. There are many reasons this can happen, but you shouldn’t be overly alarmed. However, if you find that you experience blood or ‘spotting’ after sex, this could be a sign of HPV and you should see your GP.
Gives birth to tiny blood tadpoles 🤔
Vaginal bleeding isn’t entirely… liquid. Blood clots can appear like tiny tadpoles on your toilet tissue. These ‘clumps’, if you will, are the tissue from your uterus lining, which sheds during your period. And well, it has to go somewhere doesn’t it? Another completely normal vagina occurrence.
Also known as ‘queefing’ the vagina can sometimes expel air with such force that it makes a noise not too dissimilar to your flatulence. Unfortunately for owners of said vagina, the main time air enters and exits your joy whole, is during sex. Hilarious if you’re in a long-term relationship, mortifying when you’re mid-moan with your fling and one flies off.
According to ‘science’, a normal vagina can expand up to 200 per cent. But we’re not talking childbirth and large girths here, this figure purely relates to sexual arousal. Apparently, the average vagina is 7-10cm long, and if our calculations are correct that means a 20cm schlong should be no problem for your mighty minge.
The vagina has a crazy amount of nerve endings, which makes orgasms awesome, but it can also make it a world of pain if anything is wrong. The only vagina ache that’s ok-to-ignore is an internal cramp during your period, but any other stinging or severe discomfort should be brought to the attention of your GP. It could be the sign of a UTI, STD or endometriosis or thrush to name a few.
Roughly one-third of women can/have experienced ‘female ejaculation’ during sexual climax. But what exactly is it made out of? A special type of female sperm, some milky wee or something entirely different? Turns out true female ejaculation is the latter, a natural chemical called prostate-specific antigen, which is created in the female equivalent of a prostate. But the same study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, also found some women’s ‘cum’ is largely made up of wee. And in case you weren’t sure, wee is perfectly normal.
Real talk with Sammy.