Tomorrow, I am turning 30.
Like, no longer in my 20s type of 30. The proper ‘adult’ stage of life.
For yonks, I’ve seen a bunch of articles floating about the internet about ‘things you should do before you’re 30’ or ‘bucket list ticks to do before 30’ etc
Basically just a bunch of lists designed to make the average person feel like shit about themselves because they haven’t ‘ticked every box’ or whatever, never mind that most people approach 30 already anxious that they haven’t done enough with their lives.
So in honour of this momentous occasion, I thought I’d go through these silly lists and
make everyone else feel better see what I can cross off…
#1 Travel solo – 👎
Do you know what? I don’t WANT to travel by myself. That sounds dreadful. I stayed in a hostel for one night by myself at the beginning of the year (unfortunately this did not occur a long time ago) and when I woke up in the middle of the night to wee, I went in the sink as I didn’t want to run into a drunk backpacker in the hostel halls. I PEED IN THE SINK FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
So no, I do not fancy travelling by myself and all those wankers who go on about it being ‘good for the soul’ or something equally wankerish can suck my dick.
Besides, travelling with other humans is way more fun.
#2 Run a half marathon – 👎
I would knock myself out with a lone tit slapping me in the face. I would also die from extreme lack of ability in the running department.
#3 Go skinny dipping – 👍
I do this all the time because it feels free and fun and I like the feeling of salt water in my lady parts. I once skinny dipped at one of the poshest beaches in one of the poshest areas in America, West Palm Beach. It was excellent. I really hope I gave some boujee snobs the shock of their lives.
#4 Take a class and learn a new skill – 👎
One time I tried pole dancing and it felt like my implants were being ripped from my chest. Suffice to say, I did not go back.
#5 Master cooking at least three dishes – 👍
Ok, this I have done WAY before turning 30, but only because food is life and cooking is how I conned 3 boys into staying with me past the stage where they realised I was batshit.
#6 Learn to speak another language -🤷
Do you think 8th-grade French counts? I may only remember approximately 3 phrases but I do remember clear as day my teacher calling out ‘Mike Hunt’ (say it a few times and you’ll get the joke) over and over again, and the time I threw a chair at my best friend because I was an #angstyteen.
#7 Learn how to read a wine list – 👎
This would be a complete waste of time given I never even look at the bloody menu. ‘House red pls sir’ is the extent of my knowledge and requirements.
#8 Get private health insurance – 👎
Y tho? Isn’t it kinda unnecessary in Australia given we get free healthcare? The ‘loading fee’ that everyone bangs on about is still way less that paying for health insurance which means more $$ for those house wines. 😌
#9 Get your super in check – 🤷
I’m at least 80% sure I don’t have random amounts of super floating about in other accounts. Who knows for sure with the number of random jobs I had at uni. Never forget the 2-month summer holiday stint at Hogsbreath Cafe; Forster’s version of fine dining.
#10 Throw yourself a birthday party – 👍
LEL I have done this MANY times and plan on continuing the tradition well into my 30’s, thank you very much.
#11 Invest in a good quality bag – 👍
TICK! And it felt bloody amazing to buy my Gucci bag last year with my very own money.
#12 Take a grown-up weekend away with friends – 👍
By ‘grown-up’ do you mean playing ‘fuck the bus’ and ‘beer pong’ until someone passes out? If so, many, MANY times.
#13 Go to a big festival – 👍
Ticked this one off this year when I headed to Coachella for work.
#14 Learn to meditate – 👎
I’ve sure as hell tried but alas, my mind is like an overactive 3yo after too much sugar. IT WON’T BE QUIET.
#15 Learn about politics – 🤷
I know enough. America is run by a very orange man, England is run by an old cranky lady, and Australia is run by a bunch of school kids who squabble over whose turn it is.
#16 Dine alone at a restaurant (without a book or device) – 🤷
I have absolutely no issue at all dining solo, in fact, I bloody love it. But dining or drinking solo sans at least a book seems… well, super boring.
#17 Pay off your credit card/personal loan/HECs debt – 🤷
Pls. Whoever the eff decided this should be on the list of things to do before turning 30 should have a look at the average salary for the first few years out of uni. Numbskull.
#18 Treat yourself to a fancy dining experience – 👎
Nope. Sure I like going nice places, but I honestly don’t appreciate fancy food enough to make it worthwhile going to one of those places that charge $400 for a bowl of kale that’s been grown in remote parts of Iceland and brewed in water sourced from caves only accessible for 1 day every year. Feel me? Happy with a big burger bitch.
#19 Live abroad – 👍
America. With an aforementioned BF before he realised I was cray cray. We didn’t last long and I didn’t last long OS after.
#20 Do something that scares you -👍
This didn’t exactly scare me, but swimming with sharks should get me a tick regardless.
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Sooo this happened today and it was the most surreal and amazing experience! Swimming with these majestic creatures so closely (they literally come within 15cm of your face) was something I've always wanted to do. Highly recommend, can't wipe the smile off my face! 🦈🤗💛 #sharkdiving
#21 Have savings -🤷
Anyone who has recently been to either Iceland or Switzerland will no longer have savings. I’ve recently visited both. The savings took one hell of a beating, but #mems.
#22 Find a mentor – 👎
Having a mentor is one of those wanky things super successful people talk about having… actually that’s probably why they’re so successful… 🤔
My nanny gives me a lot of unsolicited life advice? Does she count?
#23 Host a massive dinner party and cook everything yourself – 👍
#24 Have your portrait taken -🤷
Portrait or photo? Cos’ I ain’t camera shy. 😎
#25 Date someone who isn’t your ‘type’ – 👍
Sure have and you know what? Sometimes the sex is better with the chaps you would generally walk right on past 😏😉
#26 Attempt to break a world record – 👎
Listen, I tried, I TRIED to break the world record in tolerating the swill that is Guniess, but I failed massively.
#27 Start a side hustle – 🤷
I had a blog once upon a time. That count? If everyone is supposed to start a side hustle before turning 30, there must be an awful lot of failed attempts out there.
#28 Live by yourself – 👎
In Sydney? Sure, that’s always been possible. 🙄😒
#29 Learn to play an instrument. 👎
I mean, I can play the Titanic theme song and Für Elise on the piano?
#30 Learn how to dance. 👎
Alright so I’ve popped a few videos below to show off my #skillz – Dancing is something I’ve never quite, well um, nailed in any form TBH so with 1 sleep to go, I can’t see it developing before turning 30. However, drinking makes me THINK I can HA.