Welcome to Ep.9 of The Bachelor! Osher Gunsberg, this is your tape.
Jokes..the 10 final girls are all sitting around at the mansion gas-bagging only to be very (weirdly) surprised that Osh rocks up.
Wa-haaaaay! It’s like he’s the host of a popular TV show rocking up with a plot twist.
Osh waffles on like a TV presenter and says the word journey a lot a like we’re in year 10.
He builds pretty much zero suspense about the contents of the red envelope by reminding the girls that there are 10 girls – one date card. Dun dun duuuuun.
The card is revealed as a single date card for Stepford Britt! She’s a front runner and definitely gets a rose later tonight. Creepin’ Cass makes a mental note to punch The Badge in the face next time she sees him due to her being the only date-less lass and 100% the most dedicated.
Stepford Britt turns up to the date looking hot AF and The Badge tells her she looks ‘snazzy’. Has no one taught this man compliments YET? Beautiful. Hot. Stylish… not snazzy m8.
Britt says she is happy anytime she sees The Badge and I can see that. His vocab alone is a giant LOL.
They climb onto a boat going to an unknown location and pop the prosecco along the way. The Badge uses the term ‘prosecco any secco’ and that’s my new life motto. He hints about the date being a bit of an Aussie adventure, like Britt is not originally from Port Macquarie, and this will be the big outback adventure.
The date is revealed as being at wildlife sanctuary.. Ugh he’s taking her koala petting. It really is a year 10 excursion.
Plot twist – After pointing out how cute koalas are and getting her excited about holding one, The Badge reveals he’s really taking Britt snake petting. He lured her into a wildlife park, under the guise of petting a floofy little creature, only to tell her she has to pat his 5-ft snake. What a stand up bloke. Little much for a second date.
He also takes a moment to point out some lizards boning in a tank and strongly implies that will be them soon. God, take a girl to dinner first (or literally anything other than sports golf is more likely to get you closer to fornicating).
The Badge goes and fetches the snake from behind a wall and brings it back for Stepford Britt to pet. She compliments the size of his snake and many, many innuendos are made. The sexual tension between these two is hot. The snake, is not.
What’s more romantic than holding a snake? Feeding a croc named Rock. Duh. That’s precisely what comes next.
They feed the croc and it looks fun, but not in the slightest way romantic. The croc is also surprisingly bad at trying to snap a fish off a stationary rod – in my opinion. The Badge makes far less puns than I imagined for such an Aussie themed date so we know he’s shit scared of Rock.
They wind up back on another couch and straight into a D&M about lyf.
The Badge asks Britt about her future and Britt (obviously) has hers mapped out. Travel for two years, move to Byron, have 1.4 baby badgies, live happily after etc. Shocking.
Imagine little Britt and Badgey badgers running around in Byron Bay; wearing crystal necklaces and pressed linen whilst simultaneously shouting phrases in which common nouns are replaced with ‘clacker’ or ‘pipe’. Interesting.
Britters leads the convo to try and find out exactly where The Badge stands in regards to their courtship. We start to see a bit of genuine emotion from the pair. Fear not, The Badge quickly dives in for a kiss which cuts her emotion off and saves her from ruining the contract/ratings for the season. We get no real insight into how The Badge feels. Phew.
Although, the rate/intensity that he’s kissing her tells us that in the real world, this second date probs would’ve ended up back at someone’s house – no third date necessary.
Britt tells him she’d forgotten what it’s like to be in love and he keeps kissing her to hide how terrified he is that someone said the big bad “I love you” so soon. Hint = date two is usually too soon.
For the group date, all of the girls get called to some schmancy dockside location. The place gets an obvious plug and the girls get the impression the date is going to be something fun and boat like. Turns out they’re being interrogated by Inspector Gadget aka a human lie detector. It’s just necessary to do this with a nice view.
The girls are, yet again, let down by a date that isn’t what it seems. Osh didn’t need to make up a game for this ep – the dates ARE the game. Koala or snake? Boat or CSI ep? Who knows girls, who knows.
It’s revealed Inspector Gadget has allegedly worked on 79 homicide investigations. Is this necessary? Does Inspector Gadget not have better things to be doing with his professional time than questioning the girls to detect dating white lies?
Should we be worried we need this scale of investigator?
Alas, they all visit Mr Inspector in a dark room (far from the waterfront views) to get grilled about shit they’re obviously going to be nervous to tell a stranger.
It’s worth noting that Jamie-Lee still has a moonboot on from her ‘fake’ netball fusion injury.
The interviews take place and the producers are probs a bit mad they paid so much dosh to get this fancy pants inspector on because he gets nothing interesting from the girls through his interrogations.
Soph-a-loaf is first on the interrogation list and she says nothing noteworthy but I am happy she’s here. It makes me glad the Mean Girls went home. I’d almost forgotten Soph-a-loaf was there because they were hogging the air time. I just want to say it again… Soph-a-loaf.
Intruder #1 gives the most batshit boring, emotionless responses and Inspector Gadget basically says she’s boring and emotionless. Groundbreaking.
Cass is nervous AF and starts babbling about how much she’s in love with Nick. Even more groundbreaking. She gives the friendly inspector a blow-by-blow of how she met Nick despite him never asking. He asks her if she thinks the 3 dates she’s had with Nick are a ‘relationship’ and I can HEAR her screaming ‘yes’ internally. I think I also saw her slip one of Nick’s hairs into her water bottle. Oh Cass…
They then move on to let the FBI agent tell the girls and The Badge what he thought of them – together. Just what you want. A 360 review by your date AND his creepy pal.
Soph-a-loaf is reduced to a classic question of ‘is love or work more important to her’.
Jamie-Lee is told she’s open and realistic. It becomes obvious very quickly The Badge has not given her the time of day because he doesn’t really know her name. Their body language says ‘awkward’ and Inspector Gadget obvs doesn’t think this analysis is worth his time. Next plz.
Gadge strongly implies Tennille is dodgey because she likes to keep people at arms length. She basically admits she’s controlling and leaves.
Intruder #1 gives nothing away and uses a dulcet tone one usually reserves for reciting a grocery list to give her answers.
Brooke comes along and it’ revealed she has a bombshell to drop. But later..duh.
Cass is told she’s obsessed with The Badge and i’m still not convinced whoever carried out the cost analysis on Inspector Gadget’s appearance got the point that he was supposed to reveal something we didn’t already know for ratings. Zzzzzzz.
Inspector Gadget then goes on to ‘remind’ The Badge why he’s there and recaps all of the girls behind their backs.
He tells him Intruder #1 is a rock and Cass is obsessed with him. The Badge pretty much giggles in a way that says ’yeah, tell me about it’.
Cocktail party comes around and the girls all look super glam – even Cass’ hair extensions are having a good hair day.
He pulls Cass aside, to the ever present couch, to tease her a bit more about not getting a single date. Also to remind her he knows she’s keen as a bean but he’s paying her no attention anyway. As if that’s not bad enough, he goes on to tell her that her outfit would be good for fishing. Her beads would make good sinkers. Struth , he’s really got to work on those compliments… If that’s what that was supposed to be.
She hugs him and he returns it with a bro hug and some weird hand placement.
Brooke flags down The Badge for some one-on-one time to drop her big ol’ bombshell. The aforementioned ‘bomb’ has been revealed as being that she’s previously dated girls.
The Badge is chuffed she told him.
I’m chuffed that Brookesta has not had any other tragedies happen to her. She’s a bloody sweetheart. I’m kinda mad this was hyped into something different. But still happy for Brookesta. Feels.
They talk about souls and shit and The Badge tells her he’d still very much like to get some of her soul. This episode is heavy on my heart.
They have a rose ceremony and everyone but Intruder #1 gets a rose.
Until next time.