TV & Film

The Bachelor Episode 8 Recap: Sogand Is A Petty Bitch

Watching tonight’s episode without Nanny’s brutal running commentary is far less fun than last night’s episode. All I have tonight is 2 cats bellowing at me to play when all I want to do is finish my block of Cadbury and evenly apply my fake tan.

I’m in the shower shaving my knees when the episode begins (why do I always miss my knees? I never notice until I’m in the sun and like ‘WHOA’). I come out to Miss China and Smart Science Man on a date talking about China and Osh is going to have to come out of the bushes and remind her that SHE will have to move to Melbourne, Smart Science Man won’t be moving to China – that isn’t how this game works.

Back at the mansion, Abbie is snippily telling one of the producers that Miss China is asexual, and Abbie, just because someone doesn’t mount another person at any given chance does not mean they’re asexual. Jesus.

Miss China and Smart Science Man cover each other in some sort of treatment. TBH it looks scarily familiar to another show I’m watching rn about a nuclear disaster and radiation burns.

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I’ll tell you what, I’ve had a LOT of treatments in my time and they sure as shit haven’t ever looked this… disturbing. It seems to turn them both on though as nek minnut they’re shmooshing their gunky faces together in an act that looks far from ‘asexual’.

Miss China = 1

Abbie = 0

It’s group date time and a bunch of the gals head to a random house to meet Smart Science Man’s best friend.

She’s immediately pretty unimpressed with the bunch.

And it’s all really boring manufactured drama involving whether or not Abbie would like to get married and have kids one day and TBH even I’m not sure and I’m getting married in 10 weeks. Give the girl a break, she’s 23 FFS. She has loads of fake tan endorsements to pimp out before she even considers settling down.

Back at the mansion, the cocktail party begins because C10 didn’t sell enough ad space for tonight’s ep and they’re flying on through. Smart Science Man grabs Yelena not Helena for some reason (she looked pretty good in her dress – probs the reason) and they go into the bushes for a pash fest. FFS Smart Science Man, WHEN WILL YOU LEARN!?

Honestly, he’s too busy being led by his shlong and for someone so ‘clever’. Smart Science Man continuously makes the same mistakes. Doesn’t he KNOW these girls are batshit? Remember what happened the last time he macked on at a cocktail party? #DogCu*tGate2019

Abbie is silly and goes and confronts Sogand about her talking shit about her to Smart Science Man’s bestie and she immediately regrets her decision…

It’s very awkward as Sogand just slowly sips her beverage out of her fugly red cup and death glares Abbie before turning around to giggle nastily to the other girls.

The confrontation ends with Sogand shouting ‘EVERYONE bitches about you behind your back’ and apparently, we’re back in high school!

Poor lil’ Cass is sent home at the rose ceremony but she really doesn’t give a fuck. She’s got a business to run and this whole thing has been free PR. Thank god she can get back to her Samantha Wills-ing.

More recaps right here. 

Kelly McCarren. 

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