We’ve watched 55 episodes, spent 43 hours, 2,598 minutes, OR 155,880 seconds of our precious lives and Love Island is finally over for 2019, and personally, I have zero regrets about consuming this nonsense.
ON LOVE ISLAND The Showpo Edit, I present to you, my definitive ranking of the 2019 Love Island cast.
P.S. We already know who won, so if you’re not up to date, stop reading now!
The ‘I’m Sorry Who?’ Crew
Let’s start with the Islanders who had such minimal impact, I’ve already forgotten about them. Obviously, they’re at the bottom of the list, it is what it is.
Occupation: Professional Conversationalist
Who? I forgot.
Occupation: Eyelash technician
She was nice, but I don’t think she ever actually like Anton…
Occupation: Catering company owner
Ahh Joe. I was devo for him when Lucy didn’t follow him out of the Villa.
Arabella looks like every single person who has ever been on Love Island so you’ll forgive me for forgetting about her.
I didn’t want to put her this far down the list. I did like her, but I honestly don’t remember much about her time in the Villa… Sorry Yewande!
Location: South Wales
Occupation: Aircraft Engineer
I felt bad for him when Amber told him sunnies don’t suit him, savage.
Occupation: Love Island Travel Agent
Occupation: Personal trainer and ex-royal navy officer
Was he coupled with Maura?
Forever remembered as the idiot who missed his chance to go to the hideaway by being a lad. RIP.
Now, let’s move on to the Love Islanders that mattered
Sorry, not sorry.
I’ll admit, once upon a time I was Team Michael. I wanted him and Amber to win the 50K and get married and be beautiful humans attending PR events together for the rest of time. But between the way he handled the Amber/Joanna situation, the way he’s spoken to Amber (#CHALDISH) and the fact he didn’t follow Joanna out of the Villa, he’s lost major points.
-3/10 Dead Ting.
Occupation: Model (aren’t you all)
Jordan is a bit of a snooze fest. I’m sorry. The most interesting thing he did all season was destroy the relationship he spent 6 weeks building in a matter of minutes. Absolutely not a vibe.
Occupation: Estate agent
This is probably unjustly brutal of me but Harley just isn’t even on my radar. Her first date with Ovie seemed really forced. I couldn’t get around her knowing there was only a week left (sorry Harlz). However, I think she and Chris are V cute together. That redeemed her in my books.
But alas, 2/10.
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When you’re trying to take pictures but someone brings out food… 👀 Our girl Joanna looks incredible, and she’s definitely owning the ‘au naturel’ look 😍 Bring on @loveisland on @itv2 at 9pm, we have withdrawal symptoms! #LoveIsland2019 #LoveIsland #TeamJoanna @isawitfirst
Occupation: Stage 5 Clinger
Good god, this girl stirred the pot! Her approach to the Michael/Amber situation was pretty savage IMO. I just couldn’t vibe with her. Honestly, don’t really even remember her now. Also absolutely shocked that she was only 22…
Occupation: Takes Photos with Surf Boards
As someone who cries at work, I can safely say Lucie cried too much. Also, I don’t think girlfriend even knew what she was doing in there. Does she like Joe? Does she like Tommy? Does she know Tommy has a girlfriend? We will never know.
3/10, Love Island got a lot more enjoyable after she left (soz).
Occupation: Ballroom and Latin dancer
Unpopular opinion but I cannot stand Curtis. He plays the game like no other. I’m just not buying this romance between him and Maura. Our queen Maura deserves better. Also, why is everyone ignoring the fact that the terrible advice he gave Jordan was to do exactly what he did to Amy to Anna?
Occupation: Clothing store manager
Ahh Francesca, Fran, may I call you Franny? Look I have nothing against Francesca. She seems lovely and sweet but oh so boring. But good on her for getting her free summer vacay in Majorca, you go girl.
4/10 don’t hate her, but won’t miss her.
Occupation: Makeup artist (has a famous dad)
Okay, Belle only ranks so low because I just don’t buy that she really likes our sweet baby Anton and I am not prepared to see him get his heart ripped out by her. We must protect Anton at all costs. I just find her interest ingenuine. She just wanted that 50K baby.
Anna has moved further down my faves list as the season went on. I honestly found some of her ‘standing up for the gals’ moments problematic. The way she handled the Jordan break up was #Chaldish in my opinion. I would’ve loved to see her be the strong gal we all know she is and walk away. Going home was definitely the best thing that could’ve happened.
5/10 less shouting at people pls.
Occupation: Tyson Fury’s Brother
Okay, okay I’m sorry Tommy isn’t higher, but I can’t get around his vibe. He’s got this cute soppy boyfriend thing down pat, and Molly obviously loves it, so love that for them. But I’d like to see him act a tad more mature. Then again, I’m watching Love Island 7 nights a week. Where do I get off having intellectual expectations?
Occupation: Air hostess/cabin crew
Love Island is definitely a bold move for someone who has never had a partner, but good on her I guess! I had nothing against Amy. I felt awful for her when things ended with Curtis but the way she handled leaving the villa was so gracious. Also, big fan of her glow-up since leaving the Villa.
Occupation: Asking his mum to shave his bum
Oh sweet Anton, did anyone keep count how many times he was pied this season? Ultimately, how could you not love this Scottish larrikin? Do we know what he’s saying half the time? No. Do we still love him? YES. Bonus question: should he stop giving his number to shop assistant actresses in Spain? Definitely yes. Ahh Anton, may you find love and a lifelong bum shaver!
8/10 but wouldn’t shave his ass.
Age: No clue
Location: Not idea
Occupation: No a single idea
I literally have no clue who Greg is, he was only in the villa for like 30 seconds before he won the whole damn thing. Major respect for that though, 8/10.
Occupation: Instagram gal
Firstly, has anyone told Molly Mae about the Insta update? She may be leaving the house to 2.3 million followers but how will she feel about the likes being removed? I need to know. Anyway, Molly-Mae is great, she’s a girls girl. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she has the best hair I have ever seen. That moment when she came back from Casa Amor and broke down when she saw Tommy and Ellie Belly waiting for her, I cried. I cry a lot though so it doesn’t mean much TBH. I really hope her and Tommy last on the outside… they will make beautiful little boxing Instagram babies. #blessed
9/10, you just can’t fault her.
Occupation: Business development manager
I would be salty AF if I was not sent into the villa within the first two weeks. You have no chance of winning. Ahh sweet Chris, the treasure we didn’t know we needed. We have been absolutely robbed by ITV by not having this angel on our screens since day 1. Also respect his ambition to pursue Amber on his first day. If your heart didn’t shatter into a million little pieces when he cried and told the rest of the villa that he’s never felt like he fits in, then you have no heart. I hope he finds the love of his life on the outside and salmons into pools forever with her.
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Look at those puppy dog eyes 🐶👀 I think our girl’s falling for him! Last night Amber went on her first date and told Michael she had feelings for him ❤️ SO CUTE. We can’t even handle. Apparently new girl Arabella has her sights set on Michael. NOT ON MY WATCH HUN 💅🏻 #LoveIsland @loveisland
Occupation: Beauty therapist
Okay, I was NOT a fan of Amber when the show first started, but alas she is a winner and oh how far we’ve come. My heart melted when she finally let Michael in and then shattered when he ditched her for Joanna. The way she handled herself through that situation was huge for a 21-year-old gal. I definitely wasn’t on that level when I was 21. Her one-liners and side-eyes are everything. When she picked Greg over Michael I’ve never been happier. I hope they last on the outside.
Location: County Longford, Ireland
You’re absolutely lying to yourself if you say you don’t want a hype girl like Maura in your life. She backs all her girls, she wipes their tears and picks them up after these lame boys break their hearts. She gives the best advice and best of all she doesn’t pronounce her ‘TH’ sounds. I could listen to her say ‘Tank You, ‘Tey were’ ‘my vagina was TROBBING’ all day long. Maura is 100% the kind of friend that would get you out of the house after a breakup and get you on the D floor. We all need a Maura.
Occupation: Professional basketball player
YOU ALL SAW THIS COMING. Our one and only Ovie. Ovie is the kind of guy you want to set up with your best girlfriend so that they can live happily ever after. Personally, I’d love to see Ovie and Laura from our styling team on the island together. If anyone can make that happen, call us. But seriously, Ovie is the best. He was there for Amber during her Michael turmoil, he handled the Anna and Jordan situation like a true gentleman (okay except that one comment) and he delivers all the one-liners. I would rather watch 45 minutes of Ovie’s day every episode than see what Maura and Curtis are up to. Ovie 10/10 has his head in the game. There’s not a star in heaven that he can’t reach. We’re all in this together (for Ovie).
Now let’s brace ourselves for this Love Island-less period until the Aussie season starts.
Words by Love Island Authority, Chelsea Unwin