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SPOILERS (DUH): Fifty Shades Freed Review

Set your expectations low people, as the finale of the most troublesome trilogy is upon us, and I can see a light at the end of the leather-paneled tunnel. It’s been a year since we first heard Steele coin the term ‘kinky fuckery’ and TBH, it is still the most interesting thing said between the 2 dullest characters in motion picture history.

I’ve become quite the fan of ‘The Fall’ in between films, so separating Grey from Spector (who happens to be a bloody BRILLIANT character) will be harder than Jaimie Dornan’s abs (and those things are like ROCKS).

Oh and before we begin, don’t even bother going to watch this for the sex scenes, they were pretty tame and everything ruder than bewbs, a few sparse pubes, and a sculpted tooshie was cropped out of the shot.

Here are my 85 Pulitzer-prize winning thoughts throughout the film…

  1. We’re jumping straight into the wedding and my god that doe-eyed idiot better have her big shiny balls firmly trapped up in her lady parts.
  2. I’ve been waiting all year to see if they fall out mid-ceremony, much to the horror of Grandma.
  3. There is a lot of wedding paraphernalia but no shiny balls 😣
  4. This is bullshit, he earns $24k per minute (as if we’d ever forgotten THAT detail), but we are racing through the wedding quicker than a man trying to get a lass to orgasm.
  5. I wanna see the extra AF wedding.
  6. WHERE ARE THE FUCKING SWANS.
  7. There are some lame vows and lamer ‘oh Mrs Grey’ attempts at banter and I’m swearing in my seat; we’re not even 90 seconds in and I can’t deal.
  8. LEWL, she wears a fetching pantsuit to her honeymoon because that’s what rich ladies wear to travel.
  9. I wear my velour tracksuit traveling, it’s not flattering in the slightest.
  10. Jesus Christ, we’ve seen 5 outfit changes in 2 minutes, rushing the plotline are we? I’m actually surprised they didn’t Harry Potter/Twilight/Hunger Games that shit and P1 P2 it.
  11. Grey gives Mrs Grey a fugly charm bracelet and CLEARLY Eminem’s mum never taught him that Pandora charm bracelets stopped being cool in 09.
  12. They’re in Positano (I think) cos it’s trendier than Pandora used to be.
  13. They both prattle on about absolute shite and bicker for a good 5 mins about her bathers, before he whisks her back on a small boat to his big boat to spank her silly.
  14. WHY THE FUCK IS HE BRAIDING HER HAIR LIKE SHE’S HIS CHILD!?
  15. Good god this is seriously soul-destroying.
  16. So he gives her a shitty braid and then cuffs her? Cute… Whatever gets you off I guess 😳🤔
  17. Bewbs.
  18. She has really hairy upper thighs which is the most relatable thing I’ve seen on an actress. Those fine hairs are really hard to razor off. I feel ya girl.
  19. Ok so Creepy Boss Man is back so they have to return back home ASAP and Grey has bought his wife a lovely wedding present in the form of Noel Kahn from Pretty Little Liars. He’s clearly been promoted since his Jenna days.
  20. Blah blah, they talk about kids even though it’s been a hot minute since their wedding and 2 hot minutes since they, you know, MET 🙄
  21. They probably haven’t even gotten to the stage where one of them has explosive diarrhea and shits themselves and the other one tries not to laugh while simultaneously wondering how they’ll ever find that person sexy again.
  22. Neither of them wants kids right now, which makes sense given they’re like 12. (25/12 same same).
  23. They squabble about something boring and she goes to work and it’s really riveting filmmaking you guys.
  24. Grey turns up at her office with absolutely no warning to complain that she hasn’t changed her email address to her married name in the 3 hours she’s been at work.
  25. When you come back from AL, you generally do have a brimming task list/inbox/meeting requests; but sure, changing her email address is a priority.
  26. When she gets home from work, Grey realistically runs out to passionately smooch her.
  27. When I get home from work, I am greeted by hungry felines and a boyfriend who mutters ‘hey’ without breaking eye contact with his Fifa match.
  28. They speed off in a rich person car to a nice house he’s bought and there’s some random subplot about a chick (who I swear has been in like, every TV show) flirting with Grey and it’s boring.
  29. We then witness the worst car chase in the history of all of the movies.
  30. Guys, this is the era of the Fast and the Furious franchise – we expect to see this shit…
  31. not this shit…
  32. Then they have sex in the car because why the fuq not. CAR CHASE = APHRODISIAC
  33. I honestly don’t know who has this much time for after work activities.
  34. Does she work part-time hours and finish early?
  35. Ok so he has left her to go somewhere and she DISOBEYS HIM and DARES to go out with a GF, which we know means much drama will happen but good on her for doing what she wants because she really is a true feminist hero. 
  36. Lo and behold Creepy Boss Man is somehow waiting in their apartment and ATTACKS Mrs Grey! 😱
  37. Grey earns $24k per minute but Creepy Boss Man can get into his place? I earn like 20c per minute (FML, writing that hurts) and I would pay to see someone attempt to break into my place. Even I can’t get in sometimes and I pay the bloody rent out of my accumulated 20 cents.
  38. More controlling, casual domestic violence scenes that we’re just going to ignore in this review because I honestly just CBF.
  39. To try and make her forget about the domestic abuse (like all good monsters do), he surprises her with a weekend away with her pals in the private jet I’m pretty sure Bondi Sands used for an influencer event last month.
  40. They have money to rival Grey’s apparently.
  41. We get some woodland drone footage reminiscent of Twilight and I think it might just be reused footage but that’s ok, they need budget for shiny balls.
  42. Grey starts singing and I actually lose the plot and start uncontrollably laughing MUCH to the disgust of the die-hard #50Shades fan sitting in front of me as she clutches her copy of the book to her bosom as it heaves with excitement.
  43. WHY
  44. WHY HAS HE DECIDED TO BUST OUT A TUNE?
  45. It’s ok, Drake, Jackman, and Biebs really have nothing to worry about as he’s NOT very good and should have kept his trap shut.
  46. The Grey’s have a bath while all their guests do who knows what which is a) rude and b) weird.
  47. Like you LIVE with that person, go play drinking games with the group.
  48. Another sex scene and we see ice-cream coated pubes.
  49. Yuck, I couldn’t think of a worse way to enjoy ice-cream.
  50. The dreadful music is making me want to die. Recommend the Spotify playlist soundtrack to someone you don’t like.
  51. We move from pube licking to knee licking. NOTHING sexier than a fetching knee.
  52. OMG they are the annoying housemates who DGAF about how much noise they make!
  53. It feels like 1 second later (I potentially was just more interested in my $8.20 frozen coke, which on another topic is an outrageous price, they are $1 at Mcdonalds) that we’re back at the Grey’s house (not just their name – Grey is also the perfect word to describe them as humans) and we see another sex scene.
  54. They throw in a butt plug to up the ante on all the kinky fuckery that isn’t happening and this is an accurate representation of my face. 
  55. Yeuch.
  56. Oh what a SHOCK, she’s PREGNANT.
  57. We needed more drama and an unwanted pregnancy in a young lass will give us that
  58. Just look at Kylie Jenner.
  59. I am loling at the ultrasound scene because all I can think of is this scene from Friends…
  60. Much drama as he doesn’t want kids and it’s super boring but then Grey gets drunk and that’s pretty funny.
  61. But OOOO Eminem’s mum is back and Mrs Grey is PISSED.
  62. She hides in the red room as it’s obviously the cosiest room in the place.
  63. More boring stuff happens while I sip away at my drink. Each sip probably costs more than I make per minute.
  64. What an incredible life I do lead.
  65. Mrs Grey has thick hair and thinks she’s going to wash, dry and curl it in 20 minutes before Noel Sawyer takes her to work?
  66. WHO WRITES THIS UNTRUTHFUL RUBBISH!
  67. We are clearly headed towards the climax of this riveting film.
  68. Oscar winner fo sho.
  69. The writing is on another level of terrible. The chick that wrote this shit must be laughing the whole way to the bank so she can count her millions like Tomic.
  70. Anyway, so the climax is that Creepy Boss Man (who legit looks like he has pink eye BTW) has STOLEN Rita Ora cos’ he hated her music #drama and rings Anastasia to tell her that she MUST bring him 5 MILLION DOLLARS because SHE ruined his life. Not him being all Weinstein or anything but that’s another story. So Mrs Grey escapes from Sawyer (he really isn’t very good at his job) and heads to the bank and can’t use her words because #drama and the bank manager just gives her the cool $5m cos’ #whatofit.
  71. Now she’s in a car that’s being driven by someone else Creepy Boss Man/Pink Eye has Weinstein-ED and it’s all very dramatic.
  72. Mrs Grey gets the shit beaten out of her, which really isn’t pleasant to witness but she shoots him with the gun Samira exchanged for her videotape in the last film.
  73. The climax ends pretty quickly because remember they’ve squished a 12-hour audiobook into a 2-hour movie and we’re at the hospital and Grey is crying and they go on about how they’re each others ‘whole life’ and I am really worried for the mental health of these 2 idiots. Go make some friends pls.
  74. Also, did Grey get his $5m back? That’s a lot of money. Especially to someone who makes 20c per minute.
  75. There’s something else prattled on about foster families and I can’t be bothered typing what happened because it was such lazy writing.
  76. Lol, the irony of THAT above sentence.
  77. Now we appear to be finishing the film with a montage of their ‘epic’ love story which has panned all of a few months.
  78. Honeymoon period people.
  79. Everything feels montage-y during that blissful period before the sound of them snoring makes you lie there at night silently seething and wishing they’d disappear.
  80. ‘Love me like you do’ is the montage song which makes me giggle given it was lame when my sis walked down the aisle to it and now it’s ruined and forever lame by being in this shocker of a film.
  81. OOO ok that wasn’t the end, the end is Mrs Grey in the red room and Mr Grey says ‘so you wanna play’ and all I can think of is Saw…
  82. I’d be interested to know how long the red room lasts once the baby comes along.
  83. Every guy is kinkier before he has a kid. Grey is 100% going to grow a dad bod and clear out his sex toys before filling up the room with plush toys and a race car set.
  84. Oh FFS we’re not done. We’re on to a picnic with the kid and new baby brewing scene.
  85. This is officially the worst thing I’ve watched in 2018 (and my sister made me rewatch her walking down the aisle to Ellie Goulding).
Words by Kelly McCarren.

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