TV & Film

Don’t Bother Watching Passengers, Just Read This Review

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Passengers is basically a movie about some creepy dude waking a chick up from a 30-year nap (how was she not more pissed I don’t know) and then watching her. Always watching her.
“I love watching her watch movies. My own Gogglebox” – Pratt
“How do I make her love me” – Pratt
“Don’t worry I’ll just wait here forever” – Pratt
“Don’t even think about getting back in bitch…I’ll just wake you back up” – Pratt
“MMMMM her jowl smells like fresh chlorine” – Pratt
“I need her to forgive me for the ass-play suggestion” – Pratt
“She’s going to pay for this flirting. No D for her tonight” – Pratt

Hahahahaha well at least I’m making myself laugh. Here’s my detailed and super intelligent thought process throughout the movie…

  1. Ok, the movie is set in space. I should have watched the trailer, I HATE space movies.
  2. Gravity ruined them for me.
  3. There’s a spaceship called Avalon which basically looks like a really modern P&O cruise.
  4. Space shots.
  5. More space shots.
  6. Really boring space shots.
  7. Avalon ship oopsies its way through an asteroid thingy and a major ERROR occurs.
  8. 1 lone hibernation pod holding human malfunctions.
  9. Human wakes up 90-years early en route to a new world where Trump doesn’t exist.
  10. Human is Pratt and he’s delectable.
  11. Pratt happens to be a mechanic that can pretty much fix anything.
  12. Luckily it’s his pod that malfunctions huh script writers. Not much of a tale if a librarian or media specialist was in the pod.
  13. Pratt washes his perfect big strong body which is still perfect after sleeping for 30-years.
  14. We see his pert bottom and it’s glorious.
  15. The water sluices down said pert bottom in a lovely slo-mo shot.tenor.gif
  16. Well done camera man.
  17. Pratt goes a wee bit mad.
  18. He does this a lot.tenor.gif
  19. He also grows a beard.
  20. It doesn’t look good.
  21. Pratt plays Dance Dance Revolution and it’s glorious.
  22. He also makes a robotic pal named Arthur.
  23. Arthur ain’t got no legs. Just like poor Lieutenant Dan.5fcDDJW.gif
  24. A year goes by and Pratt is EXTREMELY horny bored AF.
  25. He finds a pod with a hot blonde lass inside.
  26. This must be the writer’s version of a ‘meet cute’.
  27. Bit stalker-y but whatevs.
  28. It’s J-LAW guys!
  29.  He wonders if he’s horny selfish enough to wake her?
  30. Much pondering.
  31. More pondering
  32. Arthur is consulted on the decision.
  34. Battle between morals and thirsty peen is won by mighty peen.
  35. Sleeping beauty is awoken. sleepingh-beauty-sleeping-beauty-32542508-500-497.gif
  36. It really is Aurora guys!
  37. I mean I would be WAY more grumps and pissed off if I’d just gotten up from a 30-year nap.
  38. She does exactly what he does when he wakes up (bangs on that goddamn locked door).
  39. And runs. She runs a LOT.
  40. She also wears some really questionable swimwear. Reminder: must send her Showpo swimmers
  41. Pratt discovers she offers more than bone potential company, she also gets better food in the P&O cafe.
  42. He delivers her a note asking her on a date via vacuum robot.images.jpg
  43. Seriously you guys couldn’t think of anything more original than a NOTE? You’re in SPACE FFS.
  44. The get all dappered up and Pratt immediately wants to bone compliment JLAW.
  45. They have a date and SUPRISE, they bone.
  46. Very PG boning – boring.
  47. Much dating.
  48. Many laughs.
  49. More PG sex scenes.
  50. YAWN.
  51. Pratt tells her she’s beautiful because #romance.
  52. This happens and my loins tingle.tumblr_odsw5mwWAa1rrb9xco1_500.gifVOR655.gif
  53. Ok so they’ve been dating for a whole 10-minutes and he’s proposing?
  54. Oh shit Arthur shut yo’ god damn mouth.
  55. She’s screaming at him.
  56. She mad.
  57. She REAL mad.
  58. I feel sorry for the bugger, I’d wake someone up after a few hours on my lonesome.
  59. Lots of boring shots of him lurking behind her #always watching and JLAW always running. giphy.gif
  60. Some cool dude wakes up and the second pod malfunction happens to be the captain (I think).  Very convenient.
  61. The captain is Laurence Fishburne.
  62. He cracks the shits about a tree.
  63. Of all the things to crack the shits about in his predicament. A tree.
  64. He appears to be sick.
  65. Not very good.
  66. JLAW puts her questionable mesh swimsuit back on and works through her inner turmoil. ‘He sentenced me to a life in this hellhole but I really miss his D’. 1317_emoji_iphone_thinking_face.png
  67. This happens and it’s the coolest/scariest thing that happens in the whole dang film.giphy (18).gif
  68. Seriously it’s like an inside tsunami.
  69. I’m terrified just watching it.
  70. She all good.
  71. But Laurence Fishburne isn’t so lucky.
  72. He dead.
  73. The spaceship/P&O cruise is malfunctioning everywhere.
  74. Shit is getting real.
  75. Poor Arthur. bDlZQHa.gif
  76. Dude gets seriously messed up.
  77. Lot’s of space scientific mumbo jumbo is discussed.
  78. I bet on my fat cat that Pratt and JLAW have no idea what they’re talking about.
  79. Because #twist and #movieclimax we discover that Pratt must go OUTSIDE and fix whatever the fudge is happening.
  80. He realises that the problem won’t be fixed without the help of his big strong body so he uses his big strong body to prop some vent thing open and his big strong body does a good job.
  81. Success!
  82. Oh shit, his cord is broken and he’s floating away with no oxygen because #movieromanceclimax and JLAW is screaming and carrying on.
  83. Oh gawd she’s jumping out and saving him because #romance.
  84. He dead.
  85. Not very good.
  86. She somehow lifts his big strong body into some cool AF machine that then revives him.
  87. His big strong body is ok.
  88. He tells her that he is willing to forgo the needs of his peen so she can go back to sleep in a NEW hibernation pod he has just discovered.
  89. She ponders if she can live without his peen and big strong body.
  90. Much eye contact.
  91. Much dramatic movie music because #movieromance.
  92. Wait…what happens!?
  94. Oh ok it isn’t over.
  95. All the other peeps are waking up.
  96. We must now be 90 years in the future.
  97. Good, Trump will be dead.
  98. There’s trees and plants and fauna everywhere.
  99. Luckily Laurence Fishburne is dead cos’ he’d be pissed.
  100. THE END.

And I’m left pondering a life spent with one person. Doesn’t sound that appealing even if he does have buttocks like Pratt. Oh well, at least they had Arthur.

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