TV & Film

39 Things That Happened In The Bachelor 2019 Premiere | Episode One Recap

Annnnnddd we’re back! It’s that time of year again! Osher has collected 20 wannabe influencers to vie for the attention of a lone bachelor. A man who, mind you, 80% of them would probably swipe left on without the stake of fake tan endorsements at their acrylic fingertips.

The horny little badger won’t be running around the bach pad this year (although never say never) and instead, we’ve got a smart science man who wears glasses because he is smart and serious and likes science. But only sometimes when Osher makes him so we take him more seriously.

My predictions for tonight’s episodes are;

  • Osher will do that happy laugh he does when he sees this Matt fellow like they’re long-lost brothers, even though they 100% just did this take for the 55th time because as the opening ‘moment’, channel 10 need to get the laugh/entrance/man hug just right.
  • We will see some shirtless beach shots of the smart science man Matt as he ponders his past relationships with a voiceover about his wish for a girl that is special…. in which case a reality dating show probs isn’t key but ok I have no idea what I’m talking about.
  • A bunch of skinny (mainly white) girls will come out of the limo and some will have a back story that also involves beach walking/pensive thoughts and some will be gimmick girls. Those bullied by the producers into performing some sort of skit for the smart science man and you die inside as you watch them, knowing they’ll be lucky to get past week 2 and dear god, we hope they didn’t quit their day job for this shit.
  • There will be some early bitching at the cocktail party so we know who the ‘villain/s’ of the season is.

Let’s see how accurate the above is now shall we? LET’S DO THIS… 

  1. We begin with Osher making a terrible ‘written in the stars’ joke and dear god, I wonder how long those can go on for. Probably the entire season, which is…ominous.
  2. Smart science man says you can’t cuddle a PhD and ok, we get it, YOU’RE SMART.
  3. There’s some slow-mo footage of him putting on his glasses just to reiterate that he a smart science man and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE HAVE THE SHIRTLESS BEACH SHOT!
  4. A producer checks in with smart science man (on camera obvs) to ensure he IS going to choose a winner wife because he doesn’t want another horny badger running around ruining the shows stellar reputation.
  5. We see a recap of the entire season which is probs more interesting than watching the whole thing tbh.
  6. There’s a montage of all the tears and bitch fights off the season which is the TV equivalent of clickbait.
  7. SECOND STAR JOKE OF THE NIGHT ‘THE STARS WILL ALIGN’. We aren’t even at the first ad break yet!
  8. Osher is standing on a random rug in the middle of a garden surrounded by lanterns and it appears Channel 10 budget didn’t stretch to roses this year. Just an old rug.
  9. Luke keeps yelling at me from the couch ‘BUT WHY IS HE SINGLE THOUGH’? ‘KELLY IF HE’S SO SMART AND NICE AND GOOD LOOKING AND TALL WHY IS HE SINGLE?
  10. Shh pls.
  11. Helena who sounds like Elena arrives and we have our first skinny blonde of the night! I’m certain there will be more to come though. She looks spectacular in a white frock and really could have brushed her hair but I can’t judge…
  12. Chelsie arrives and winning music plays and sports bet has already picked this chick as the winner which makes sense given she’s a smart science lady.
  13. Smart science man says ‘I’m getting a warm flush’ about ol’ mate Chels which is code for…the bachelor australia 2019 recap
  14. Curly Sue with the big blue eyes arrives and she’s a regulation A hottie who prattles on about that stupid ‘Gemini’ joke they’ve been plastering across our screens for the past month.
  15. He reacts to her astrology question in exactly the same way I do when someone I’m talking to mentions ANYTHING to do with star signs. 
  16. A lady who is defs not Chinese arrives and talks in Chinese and says ‘MATT’ over and over while she continuously stresses how much she loves everything Chinese, especially CHINA.
  17. Someone arrives and I literally don’t even notice the colour of her frock.
  18. The pilates lady arrives and obviously gets him to do some pilates moves on Osher’s rug because, PILATES.
  19. Feathers on her head lady arrives and dances around with feathers on her head before she’s booted out of the way by the ‘Love Actually’ lady who 100% stole her idea from our videographer, Wayne. 
  20. Our first dickhead has arrived at the bach pad and her name is Nicole but there’s a H in there somewhere but no, I will spell it correctly thanks. Nicole has more tickets (on herself) than the Easter Show. I guarantee you she’s the one who tries to kiss him at the photo-shoot date tomorrow. And they try and tell us this isn’t scripted.
  21. Some chick in a pink dress is practising saying her name in the back on a limo and the only reason I’m forgiving her is that her dress is INSANE and she’s so beautiful my eyes hurt.
  22. She starts posing and making sex noises on a carpet she’s brought that she places OVER Osher’s carpet. Osh is NOT going to be happy. He went all the way to his Aunt Susan’s house to borrow that rug.
  23. Emma ‘I WANT A HUSBAND’ Brand Manager comes and talks to him about their wedding and love and how perfect he is.
  24. 6 lasses come out and all I remember is the colour of their frocks; green sparkles, navy, peach, black, red and gold.
  25. Ellie the lovely nurse AKA cutest girl in the world arrives and her face is like a ray of sunshine. Osh was warming up next to a fire he’s built but Ellie kicks him out of the way so she can roast the smart science man a marshmallow. Osher sits nearby and glares at them while they talk about some dish and it’s getting very awkward because the limos are piling up and the girls need to wee so start yelling at Osh to hurry it up unless he wants them to ‘bloody piss themselves’.
  26. A bride turns up and I swear I saw her on ads for MAFS but ok.
  27. Villian music plays and we get it, she’s going to cause trouble. Mainly because she stole someone’s wedding dress and they didn’t… well they didn’t know until they watched tonight and were like ‘oi why the fuck is bloody Rach wearing my dress’.
  28. There are 5 mins of footage where they talk about the flowers and the lights and the romance
  29. The girls SQUEAL like a Kardashian has surprised them rather than Osh, who definitely has been on set the whole time.
  30. Once the squealing dies down, Osher gives his yearly speech about finding love but he’s EXTRA excited about this year because he has a special golden ticket! Alas, it’s to visit Melbourne where smart science man is from, not the chocolate factory, which seems like a real let down but all the girls are good sports and pretend to be excited. the bachelor australia 2019 recap
  31. Emma ‘I WANT A HUSBAND’ Brand Manager gets pulled away first and has a conniption of excitement.
  32. There’s footage of some yabbering about cake and then a montage of them all trying to pronounce his job which really isn’t that…hard. The villain in the dress is banging on about Emma ‘I WANT A HUSBAND’ Brand Manager being ‘clingy’ which seems…ironic? Given she’s, you know…wearing a wedding dress.
  33. The model in the pink dress rolls out her carpet again and I’m going to need to get her comp card as she’s vapid AF but my god she’s hot and we should get her to come in and shoot with us.
  34. Guys the smart science man had a birthday was on Monday! Happy birthday smart science man.
  35. Nicole with a H somewhere steals him away and I think she smoked some of Jarrod’s pot plant that (surely must be there still) cause her eyes are so red.the bachelor australia episode 1 recap
  36. The cutest girl in the world gets the golden ticket and a rose and is clearly the red hearring to put us all off thinking Chels has it in the bag. Which she clearly does but we can pretend, it’s ok.
  37. Osh gets all serious about his first rose ceremony of the season and sets about counting them and explaining the maths to the bunch of women who can’t even pronounce their new boyfriend’s occupation.
  38. The MAFs chick in a wedding dress throws a tantrum and it’s very dramatic but we know that as the villain she won’t be going home for at least 5 eps.
  39. 2 girls I REALLY hope didn’t quit their jobs for the gig get booted and it’s peach and green sequin from the sped-up part of intros so no surprise there.

THE END.

Thoughts of Kelly McCarren. 

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