TV & Film

Bachelor In Paradise: Ep.5 Recap ‘The INVADERS Invade’

Guys it’s going to be an explosive week on BIP. And I’m not just referring to Mack’s jedi dick. We have FOUR episodes to enjoy this week and I’m all for it.

On tonight’s episode of ‘treating women like store-bought objects’; these are the 7 most interesting things that happened…

#1 ARRIVAL 19 & 20 | THE AMERICAN INVASION

Osh was frothing with excitement about the ‘invaders’, even though he, you know… invited them so it’s not exactly an ‘invasion’.

Grant is an L.A based firefighter and he can invade my lady parts anytime he bloody well wants. Grant, if you read this, I’m currently in L.A and would be happy to let you give me a tour.

Of your body obvs 😏😏😏

Hey hot firefighter man, I’m in LA so pls hit me up 📞🙋
Anyone else absolutely captivated by this face?
I see I’m not the only one.
Holy shit.

Canadian Daniel is the second ‘invader’, a word that actually accurately describes his arrival on my TV.  He looks like Popeye his arms are that out of proportion to the rest of him.

He takes one look at Lisa, then at Luke, and ACTUALLY SAYS THE WORDS, ‘oh, so this is yours?’…

This is very confusing. Did his mum not teach him general life rules? Like, that you can’t purchase or own another human?

His body language, creepiness and general lack of social skills with females tell me only one thing – he’s here for Wice, not the ladies.

#2 JARROD’S CLINICAL SUNBURN  HUE INTENSIFIES

He’s near hospitalization at this point and Osh must be holding all mail captive as I sent Jarrod a care package last week with sunscreen, a hat, rashie and aloe vera gel – and he obviously hasn’t gotten it.

Everyone else is getting worried and he is asked by several concerned camp members if he’s ok. Keira asks in a lovely subtle way ‘so do you tan’, while Canadian Daniel gets more direct with his ‘you’ve had a lot of sun’ greeting.

Jarrod turns a truly alarming shade of red while he heatedly discussed the way Canadian Daniel is looking at Keira. I don’t have any idea why for 2 reasons;

  1. You chose Ali last night and told Keira about it… so why shouldn’t she chat with Popeye man?
  2. He is clearly looking at her like she has good goss about Wice…

#3 BLAKE EMBRACES THE HOLIDAY VIBES

With a slightly culturally inappropriate, yet very important rite of passage for white people in Fiji – getting braids. He loves them sick and can’t wait to show his girlfriend Lorena.

#4 THERE IS A HORRIBLY AWKWARD DATE

For the following 4 reasons;

  1. One party is Popeye / Canadian Daniel
  2. The other is Nina. Yes, as in Eden’s wife, Nina.
  3. They get yelled at by a local. And getting yelled at for doing something stupid is potentially one of the most cringe things to happen to a human.
  4. Popeye tells Nina that he’s ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’ or something equally uncomfortable and, we know Canadian Daniel. it’s against the rules to lie to the producers, you should have told them you like Wice. I’m sure they’d be all for it.

#5 THERE IS A SECOND HORRIBLY AWKWARD DATE

But it’s for Tara and Uncle Sam and TBH it’s only horribly awkward because they sent Fijian James Blunt to play for them and no one in the entire radius wanted to be there.

#6 MACK IS TOLD TO PUT HIS JEDI DICK AWAY

Back to furiously masturbating he goes when Ali tells him AND Michael that ‘just no’.

#7 DA BOYZ GET AGRO

They’ve had too much sun, too many beers and not enough ‘alone time’. So it’s no surprise the boys start bickering at camp with Jarrod and Mack yelling at each other about who knows what. Something to do with Ali probably. Who literally could not want anything to do with either of them.

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