TV & Film

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 9 & 10

We’ve reached that point in the season where shit’s getting boring AF. The Daily Mail has already shown us the top 5 and Sportsbet knows the winner. All the gals are too close to participating in too much drama and Smart Science Man is taking the girls on even more ridiculous dates in an attempt to increase ratings.

Wednesday night kicks off with our first second single date of the season (only bach fans would understand that confusing sentence). It’s obviously a red herring the producers are throwing our way to get us off the science-y scent that is Chelsie.

TBH this is the moment for the cheerleading hero, the narrator, Rachel, and Nicole with an H, realise they’re going home soon. Cos’ if bitches are getting second dates while they’re waiting for a first. Clearly Smart Science Man isn’t here to fuck spiders.

oh fek.

Smart Science Man takes red herring Elly on a fire date where they twirl fire, watch people eat fire, and talk about fire. He needs to take China girl on the exact same date involving Chinese stuff and she’ll be BEYOND horny happy.

Back at the bach pad, the girls are spilling the tea on Rachel’s crush on a crew member. This seems valid given they spend more time with the crew members than Smart Science Man. BUT, it is AGAINST the rules and these girls enjoy the rules.

Loves the tea.

For the group date, Osh makes the girls write down their feelings and then tells them all they have to do the annual bachelor ‘skydiving’ bit. And they must do it just like they must do the annual photo shoot. It might even be part of the C10 sponsorship deal, kinda like magnums.

China girl cries and doesn’t want to do it and I get it – I wouldn’t either. Jumping out of a plane for FUN? Yes ok, I might just jump in a pit of brown snakes while I’m at. Just for fun babes, you know. Anyway, we know China girl will end up jumping (or Osh will push her out). Otherwise, she’ll get kicked off the show because jumping out of a plane is a requirement of love, you guys.

Surprise!

She does indeed jump and then wins another mud bath with Smart Science Man and I wonder if that’s the reason she has such glowy, amazing skin.

A big portion of the rest of the show is surrounded around Rach wanting to have non-bach babies with smokin’ crewman instead of Smart Science Man. It’s very boring. In a completely natural, not set-up at ALL moment, Smart Science Man is handed a piece of paper with Rachel’s number on it and TBH, anyone could have written that down but ok. He then goes to ‘confront’ her and SHOCK HORROR, she’s AT THAT VERY MOMENT discussing it with the producers! Smart Science Man is pissed one of his girlfriends doesn’t want to fight over his shlong. He bellows at Osh for the Uber and shoves her inside it, slamming the door like every cop movie moment he’s ever seen.

He’s then in a filthy mood so decides another one will be sent home too, just to remind the rest who’s boss. It’s poor Nicky, the real MVP of the show. Australia groans in sadness.

wot.

Episode 10

Thursday night is centred around… a moustache. Quite possibly the most intense moustache I’ve ever seen. And I have a worn a few OTT fakies in my time.

y tho.

Moustache Man shows a few of the girls how to use those big ribbon things and also some gymnastic moves. All I can think of is how smelly those places are and all the bacteria on the mats and feet and YUCK.

Abbie and Matt get super sexual again, and honestly, I wish they’d just hurry up and bone. Please stop making us watch their sex faces.

They do some weird The Greatest Showman shit while also kissing. 100% it must have taken longer than one take – I’m guessing at LEAST 78.

Chelsie then gets a second single date. Matt seems to have a thing for being upside down as he takes her walking down a building.

HALP.

Honestly, all of the dates are horrible. I would not like to participate in any of these. They talk more about being nerds and nerd stuff, then pash. He obvs gives her a rose.

At the cocktail party, glowy skin girl gives Smart Science Man a belly dance without music that he absolutely did not ask for. It’s uncomfortable for everyone.

No surprise that the narrator of the show and Nicole with an H are sent home. Honestly who the eff is going to explain to us what is happening now!?

Words by Kelly McCarren

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