Sex is fun, really fun. But unfortunately sometimes sexy time can get messy and sometimes in extreme cases, it can get painful. While it’s easy to write off a sex injury as something so horrifying that it will never happen to you, a fair few sex injuries are alarmingly common. In fact, we’re betting you’d rather not have to give that extremely awkward explanation to your family members or co-workers next time your arm ends up in a sling, so take precautions accordingly.
Something else gets stuck…up there
No nurse or doctor has ever fallen for the ‘I fell on it’ excuse, so save yourself a ton of embarrassment and know that things tend to get sucked up a little too far when they’re put in your bum. From deodorant cans to carrots, the emergency room has seen it all. If it does happen, it’s really better just to admit it. Everyone knows anyway…
The dreaded fracturing of the penis
Although not quite as common (thank god!!!) the “broken” penis is a real thing. It’s really just a fracture aka it will heal but we’re betting it’s still hella painful. It’s usually caused by something (or someone) coming down hard on the penis at a less than ideal angle. Be wary when you’re in girl on top or reverse cowgirl that you don’t get too carried away. If this happens you need to head to the hospital…asap!
The equally dreaded tearing of the banjo strap
Again slightly less common but we had to include it for PSA purposes. What is the banjo strap you might ask? Ah it’s that little bit of skin that connects the foreskin to the base of the penis. If your guy is uncircumcised the foreskin will usually move up and down quite freely but if for some reason the skin is pulled down with more force or particularly rough and tumble sex has caused it to, it can rip or snap. Not a whole lot of fun we’re guessing!
The condom pulls a classic tinder date move and ghosts
Whether you’re actually having sex with a tinder date or not (hey more power to you) condoms have a slightly alarming frequency of disappearing into the abyss of your vagina (in the nicest possible way, of course). This is not just a horrifying story Amy Schumer tells in Trainwreck – condoms pull the classic dating disappearing act on the reg. Once you’ve realised its happened, we recommend stopping – no unwanted pregnancies or STIs here thanks – and if you can’t find it straight away wait until your vagina has returned to its… er… normal size and you should have more luck. In extreme cases it’s time to head to the emergency room for an extremely awkward (but totally understandable) convo.
He tears your vagina (and not in a good way)
So this one is actually super common and there’s a simple solution ladies! Lube!!! Make sure you’re wet enough down there before he goes at it. If you experience pain or a little blood after sex – this could be why. Micro tears will typically disappear after a few days, but if they don’t go see a doctor asap.
One or both of you break a bone mid act
Bones other than the penis have been known to break mid act, particularly when you’re getting it on in the shower. It’s slippery and slightly cramped and before you know it one or both of you have taken a tumble, and not in a good way. Make sure if you’re gonna do it in the tube that no slippery substances are being used (lube and slippery tubs don’t mix) and if you can grab a granny style no-slip mat (if that doesn’t… you know… ruin the moment) then that can help.
You start to feel the (neck) strain
This one doesn’t really need any explanation, but we had to warn against it…If your head or mouth has been at that one angle for a while…maybe mix it up. There are a million ways to cut a cake… er… give a blowjob.
Or worse, you feel the burn
No, we’re not talking about a potential STI (although that’s also a factor here) but the dreaded carpet burn. Hey, we get it, sometimes the whole sex on the bed thing needs a little spicing up, but beware of that subtle slide back and forth on the carpet. Whether it’s on your back or your knees, it’s no fun. We suggest finding somewhere else a little kinky to get down.
LOLs by Cassidy Loane