Bachelor, Farmer Wants A Wife, Dating in the Dark… I’m not really fussed what love show you throw at me, I’m pretty much going to be hooked. And now my Sunday to Thursday nights have been made good again thanks to the return of Married At First Sight – that genius television show where “experts” team up two people who have never met before and try and convince them they want to spend the rest of their lives together (with a success rate of about a 2.3 percent. Okay, I just lied, it’s 8.3 percent in Australia – but who really cares… we’re here for the drama).
Five episodes in and we’ve already seen the full spectrum of love-struck crazies looking for their perfect match (and five minutes of fame) that we’ve come to expect from the show. There’s the dawky nerd with the floppy hair who thinks he’s Hugh Grant in Notting Hill but is more Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory, the old-timers giving it a third-time-lucky shot, and the social media influencer who loves her plastic surgeon more than any man the producers could track down.
Below, we take a look at the first thoughts on the 7 couples we’ve already met (and our predictions on whether they’re going to be one of the lucky couples that actually lasted the distance beyond when the producers finally get to call “Cut”)…
The facts: Sarah – Beauty specialist, 38, Melbourne & Telv: Machinery technician, 33, Western Australia
Our thoughts: Big hair, big lips… Fran Drescher from The Nanny would be oh so proud. But while Sarah looks like she’s just walked off the set of Housewives of Melbourne, we kinda like that she describes herself as “bogan glam”. And we like him. Down-to-earth and seemingly pretty easy going, I’m not sure these two will last, but I think it’s going to be nice seeing them give it their best shot. Awwwwww.
Predictions: Last until the end of the show
The facts: Tracy – Marketing consultant, 34, Western Australia & Dean – Executive creative director, 39, NSW
Our thoughts: He wants a woman that cooks and cleans for him, she wants to serve her man. We may have regressed 150 years in the feminist movement – but at least they’re after the same thing.
Predictions: Lots of sex, but then his eye is probably going to start a wandering…
The facts: Jo – Single mother, 39, South Australia & Sean – Pub manager, 39, South Australia
Our thoughts: Over-enthusiastic with enough bubble to fill a bathtub, Jojo is one keen bean – unfortunately for her – Sean is about as exciting as an episode of Antiques Roadshow (and about as interested in Jo as a bikini model to a packet of twisties). Don’t worry Jojo, we love ya.
Predictions: They might surprise us – but we’re giving this three episodes before Sean can’t take it anymore and goes back to his love for pulling beers
The facts: Alycia – Student, 28, South Australia, 28 & Mathew – Plumber, 32, Victoria
Our thoughts: Call us hopeless romantics – but we think the producers have got it oh so right with this one. She’s had her wedding vows written for years and has names for her unborn children – so it would have hurt our hearts a little if they’d chosen her a complete douchebag. But they didn’t. In fact, we have to admit, we got a few little tears in the eyes over his wedding speech. And look, if it doesn’t work out with Alycia, Matt – we’ll take you.
Predictions: Babies, grandchildren, great-grandchildren – we’re gunning for these two
The facts: Davina – Personal trainer/bikini model, 26, Queensland & Ryan – Tradie, 29, NSW
Our thoughts: While we suspect that Davina is on the show more to up her Instagram numbers than to find real love, let’s just pretend she’s looking for her match made in television heaven. Unfortunately, don’t think Ryan’s quite what this one is looking for. Maybe if he went to the gym for 20 more hours a day and was more of the guy that sits around practising his blue steel rather than cracking jokes then he’d be in for half a chance. Sadly, don’t think that’s going to happen. Sorry Rysy.
Predictions: Five episodes
The facts: Charlene – Brand manager, 33, Victoria & Patrick – Operations manager, 34, Victoria
Our thoughts: Anyone else think Patrick and Davina are more suited, and then Ryan with Charlene? While Patrick seems to not mind the cute and chatty Charlene at first sight, we’re thinking Mummy darling might be the death of this one… But Patrick, incest is never best… just saying.
Predictions: Last until the show ends
The facts: John – Business owner, 54, Victoria & Melissa – Journalist, 53, Victoria
Our thoughts: Oh please sweet cupid, make this one work. We love the idea of these two working out – just Melissa, maybe invest in some face wipes… going to bed with that much makeup is a recipe for relationship (and pillowcase) disaster.
Predictions: Forever and ever till death do us part
The facts: Ashley – Flight attendant, 28, Queensland & Troy – IT accounts manager, 34, NSW
Our thoughts: I’m sorry – but anyone else think Troy is slightly shifty? A nerdy people pleaser that has a little too much confidence is our idea of relationship hell (but television heaven). The producers might be calling Ashley “Barbie”, but I think she’s more like Bambi. Innocent and sweet and probably set to soon be devoured by wolf Troy.
Predictions: We hope this doesn’t last beyond the end of the show – Ashley can do better #teamashley