Episode 8 of The Bachelor launches and straight away the girls are with The Badge and his good ol’ pal Osh at the local swimming pool. It looks like a bloody school swimming carnival but ok, sure. Romantic.
We get a rip-roaring image of The Badge’s bod as he exits the aforementioned pool after what I can only imagine was many, many fake laps. His reptilian-like traps are back in force and the girls know they’re about to get wet.
One exclaims that the water dripping off him is “delicious”. Cass silently warns her to back off before staring off into space.
Prior thoughts are confirmed as Osh reveals they are in fact, having a swimming carnival. Except, it’s called swimming pool bingo. Osh claims the rules are simple. Much like moonhopping and footgolf, I imagine.
Cat mentions she’s unhappy about a swimming activity because it’s not her thing (anything that isn’t her Balinese business or sledging others is obvs not her ‘thing’). She tells us she wagged school every day they had swimming. Classic the ‘I got my period’ excuse all teenage girls used, I bet.
Teams are decided, girls get excited and put their bathers on in preparation to get WET for The Badge, and more traps are shown.
I feel like a creep, but bet my golly jack, all of these girls look flippin’ great in bikinis.
*makes mental note to renew F45 membership.
Brittaney 2.0 talks a lot about balls, how she likes swimming in all styles – including doggy style. It’s very educational, entertaining and horrific to watch. It’s early days for this intruder, but I think we might just have our token season bogan.
The game of swimming pool bingo kicks off and Cat gets really bloody into it. She’s tugging at other girl’s swimmers and pretty much trying to drown them to win. She needs to go. The Badge is paying attention for once and actually notices Cat is being a low-key bitch. He even goes as far as to say that “this cat has claws”. Ya think?
On a positive note, The Badge finally notices Rory Gilmore as Rory and Tennille are the winners of the weird water polo game.
Because they won, they get to face off in a sudden death match of zorb ball laps. How lucky for them that because they did such a good job embarrassing themselves in the first round, they get to do it some more.
The Badge takes the opportunity to really appreciate Rory Gilmore aka Emily, and claims she could be a diamond in the rough. That’s kind of mean considering he’s now kissed majority of ‘the rough’. How many more girls do you want m8?
The zorb ball sudden death kicks off and I’m dying. This is a lol fest. I’m pretty sure the producers sit around drunk, listing activities they want to do and scenarios they’d least like to do them in. They then match the combos up Cards Against Humanity style and the combo with the least amount of people in horror takes a shot.
The girls fumble about in the big giant balls until one of them fumbles their ball to the end of the pool.
Emily wins this groundbreaking game and scores a single date with The Badge.
For the single date, they’re on yet another couch and straight into the D&M. Emily talks a million words. The Badge does not need to say a single thing. He says it’s a good thing.
He says he likes Emily because she likes to get down to business quickly, just like him. 😉
They talk about feelings and she gets a rose but only a very slight kiss. The half-assed kiss makes me pretty sure she’s not going to win but The Badge gives her false hope anyway.
Back at the house, ANOTHER date is revealed (pretty shocking for a dating show) and it’s Ball lovin’ Brookesta. It’s her third date and Kitty Cat is NOT happy about the fact she’s had bloody zero. She’s very surprised The Badge doesn’t want to spend time with her. Her self-awareness is mind-boggling.
She complains “I could be working on my business, I’ve got enough shit to be doing outside”. Again, the mention of her business was completely unprompted. She’s just here for the insta plug and mansion – in my opinion. Champagne taste on a Bintang budget.
Meanwhile, The Badge has no time to waste and off the back of his date with Rory Gilmore, he’s obviously brimming with excitement to collect his lovely Brooke for the next date night. He swings by the house full of his girlfriends to pick up his fave girlfriend in an old Mustang. She’s very impressed, like The Badge chose the date himself – not the kind television producing folks. Very sweet.
They drive to an Airbnb in the forest where The Badge reveals they are going to get a strange chap on the other side of a wall to draw them, based on what each person tells him the other looks like. Following?
I feel like it’s a tad unfair as the artist chap probably knows who The Badge is and what he looks like but.. details.
To make Brookesta feel comfortable, The Badge goes first and describes her features in painfully sweet descriptive words whilst trying to delicately not insult her. He likens her to a panther in the forest and its cute AF.
Brooke then describes The Badge and the chap draws the pic from his memory of The Honey Badger in his rugby golden days – not at all from Brooke’s description.
In the house, the Mean Girls are busy gathering around the pool talking about how sad they are they didn’t get dates – despite the fact they are terrible humans. They hold hands and whisper voodoo to each other to console their fearless leader, Cat. Once the ritual is done, the producer chimes in to ask if they have anything else to add about Nick. They all look genuinely surprised that there is 1) cameras there and 2) that the producer dare speak directly to them. This is by far the weirdest scene I’ve seen all season.
They banish the intruding producers and concoct a plan for Kitty Cat to cry in front of The Badge so he doesn’t send her home.
Back on the date The Badge actually wants to be on, they’ve finished their drawings and are back on another couch for another D&M. Unsurprisingly, Brooke’s drawing looks nothing like her and The Badge’s looks just like him.. Almost like the illustrator knew what he looked like prior. Weird.
The Badge says he feels like he knows Brooke from another life. Wonder how Cass feels RN. This is her claim to Badgey fame!
Brooke gets a rose.
At the mansion, the girls are all dressed up in sexy versions of tacky uni toga costumes waiting for The Badge and his chosen one to return from the date. Brittany 2.0 has hit peak jatz crackers level and is dancing around by herself saying hip things like ‘catch you like it’s 1992’ with some shakas being thrown about. Everyone politely implies she’s annoying AF without being too mean. It’s reassuring.
She then beatboxes and my palms are sweaty for her.
Kitty Cat is back at it again in the corner sledging Brooke and The Badge whilst she waits for them to come back. She claims The Badge and Brooke’s dates must be boring because you can’t have too much of a good thing. M8.. it’s been 4 weeks. Pretty sure there’s still some zest left after such a short period.
The Badge corners Tennille at the cocktail party and takes her over to the couch, just a few metres away from the rest of his girlfriends, for some top secret chats. He says he’s heard rumours about some girls being meanies and gets Tennille to play chess with some candles to identify who the mean girls are.
I’m guessing he uses this very dramatic method to identify the meanies due to the close proximity of the cleverly placed lounge, to the other girls. She doesn’t even hesitate to move the candles that are Romy, Cat and Alisha to the ‘meanie bin’.
Lel, back at the house Cat is talking about how she’s gonna give The Badge an ultimatum when he gets back to the cocktail party like he’s not about to kick her out.
The Badge returns to call up Cat for a private D&M, tells her he knows she’s a meanie and tells her to go home. Swish, swish bitch.
But not before she gets the chance to mention she gave up her life in Bali for him… As always, unprompted.
The rest of the girls find out that Cat has gone home and the meanies are all in shock and start crying irrationally for their mean friend.
Romy says Cat deserved to stay more than the other ‘losers’ which kinda seems like she’s including herself. Alisha goes on a drunk rambling monologue about Tennille.
The rose ceremony comes around and everyone is shaking in their little kitten heels.
Alisha is wearing blue eyeliner which is a VERY interesting choice for anyone on a date post 2005. But mostly just distracting. How did you get that line so straight?
Everyone gets a rose except Alisha and Brittany 2.0.
However, plot twist, Rogue Romy takes this as an op to go rogue and tell The Badge she’s not sure if she wants a rose.
The Badge pretty much tells her he doesn’t care and pops her in a car to go home.
The girls are all inside, listening through the window like children.
Alisha and Brittany 2.0 were secretly still hoping for a backup rose but it did not come.
Until next time.