We’re on ladies and gents.
Here’s a blow-by-blow of The Bachelor, Episode 7!
As always, we get great panning shots of the McMansion the lucky ducks get to reside in as compensation for having to share their bf with other girls, and the rest of AU. Osh’s voice over reminds us that Vanessa Sunshine Sucker went home last ep because her light faded out, which is very untrue. Her insta status has skyrocketed since then. Go check it out.
Inside the McMansion, the first group date is revealed and the girls are bloody pumped.
Overshadowing who got selected for the group date was the massive bombshell that INTRUDERS are coming. Lel, The Bach gets more like Big Brother every day. Much drama. Very real. Good twist.
Emily/Rory Gilmore, Ball loving’ Brookesta, Kitty Cat, Aly Ashlea, girl reading the card whose name I can’t remember and Carnage/Creepin’ Cass are up for the date with The Newbies.
Osh pops up to tell ‘The Originals’ that the three newbies are a massive threat because they each have a generic quality in common with The Honey Badger; adventure, looking for love and elite sports. Brookesta is shaking in her ball-lovin’ boots as she is the only original who is half decent at sport, to which this matters.
The Badge is warned about his new, spare girlfriends imenent arrival by Osh in front of the original girls and you can feel the jealousy. The Badge talks a lot about how hard it is to keep a poker face whilst he’s got a raging boner about the idea of new meat/girlfriends coming.
I think he said something like that anyway..can’t be sure..that may be exaggerated.
The Newbies arrive and the first thing everyone notices is that they’re all brunettes. Very observant. All I can see is the driver’s sensible dad shoes.
You know those shoes mean business and he’s had a hard bloody day, bachie wrangling (imagine being tasked with keeping Cass a safe distance from The Badge at any one time).
The Badge compares the whole idea of meeting The Newbies in front of The Originals to when a chap is checking out another girl in front of his girlfriend. Interesting idea because that’s EXACTLY what’s happening, ya big Aussie ninkin’ poop.
Let me break down the new intruders like Gretel Killeen.
Intruder 1 – Not sure of her name but when The Badge asks her what she does for fun (the worst job interview question ever), she prattles on about being an almost Olympic swimmer. Not sure dating a profesh athlete who dedicates their life to something other than me is my cup of tea, but thankfully for The Badge (and Intruder #1), this works for some.
Intruder 2 – Jamie-Lee – sweet as pie, admits she’s nervous and likes animals. I like her. Honestly, we could use a humble chick in this bitchy shit-show. Also, great butt. Great jumpsuit. The girls also notice her great butt. I don’t feel as creepy from my lounge, 3 wines deep.
Intruder 3 – Brittanye 2.0 arrives and instantly loses street cred by laughing maniacally at nothing in particular. The Badge asks her what she does and in between bouts of yammering, she mentions she “went to Japan last year”. She’s obviously cultured AF because she went on that one overseas holiday. She also uses “konichiwa” as a sentence to sum up her trip and we’re all mortified.
Kitty Cat is irrationally more mortified than the rest of us about the cultural generalisation and pipes in to mention that even though she’s from Bali, she doesn’t go round mentioning it or greeting people in Balinese. I’m getting strong vibes of hypocrisy here. I couldn’t tell you where any other bach girl lives except Kitty Cat because she’s frequently bragging to every man and his dog about her Balinese jewellery lifestyle.. without prompting.
Ahh we’re onto the group date with another shitty ball game that is called….wait for it…….
Ch.10 has done it again. Osher tries to keep a straight face whilst explaining that this (very serious, sure-fire way to find your life partner) ballgame involves bouncing around on kids exercise balls, in booty shorts and crop tops until the death. It’s a new age version of jelly wrestling. Cute.
Osh keeps explaining the game and using his hands in a tugging motion to explain how the game works.
The game begins and The Badge describes the game as what we’re all thinking; ‘bouncing around on balls playing moo bangers’. Classic.
The game goes on about as glamorously as you imagine and the girls end up in a scrum that could actually be jelly wrestling. They get a bit rough and again, im not sure they remember their future date can see them. You’re supposed to be an angel in the dating phase. Why were the booty shorts necessary? Kitty Cat blatantly pushes someone in the dirt and I wish she’d keep her eyes on her own bloody litter. She’s getting meaner and its atrocious.
Come end of the shit excuse of a game, Intruder #2, Jamie-Lee gets a sprain to her ‘getaway stick’ (her ankle) and Kitty Cat accuses her of faking it despite the real medics and actual crutches coming out.
The Badge offers up a massage to her later (because of her injured getaway stick) and HOW DO I APPLY? You could be the lamest date in history but offer to give a gal a massage and she’s yours!
At the house, Rogue Romy says bitchy things about the new intruder’s looks whilst her mean girl posse agrees and takes stabs at the girls abs like they are key to a happy life.
It’s a generally agreed idea that Intruder #1’s name wasn’t properly communicated because no one’s got it.
Brittany 2.0 asks The Badge to dance and she clarifies the invitation is not for ‘a classy dance’ (like we were all under the assumption she was going to whip out a cultured frolic) and its awkward to watch.
Again, Kitty Cat takes this awkwardness on, more than is rational, and explains that she can see why Brittany 2.0 is single at 28…Pot calling the kettle or….?? Cat, plz explain why you’re single at 28.
Brittany 2.0 keeps trying to dance and get rowdy and she’s definitely that girl at the party that is ‘not like the other girls’. Can usually be spotted ordering large amounts of stodgey food (to show she’s low maintenance), drinking beers and talking obnoxiously loud about video games.
She could not be more different from Stepford wife Britters, but the contrast is nice.
Omg finally! Tenfoot Tennille is on her first single date! Lucky for her, we’re back in the 80’s and The Badge is dressed up as Danny Zuko in Grease for a motorbike ride.
What a sight. He takes her for a ride (*snigger*) to a bee keeping farm and makes many less-than-witty puns about being the Honey Badger and sweet, sweet honey. God bless his lovable dad soul.
The Badge admits he’s never collected honey but he’s going to pretend he knows how anyway..much like the pizza making class and every other ‘how to’ date he’s made these poor girls go on.
They each take in turns of feeding each other honey from the comb and whispering sweet nothings about sucking and spitting. The poor lass eats the wrong part of the comb (like she should know) and is stuck swirling hard chunks of a bee’s humble abode around her mouth for a good few mins before admitting defeat.
Tennille is also forced to wear a contagion suit (much like the Russian Reindeer) which is very glam for a first date. Right?
After, they head back to another great couch to get the serious chats flowing. The Badge explains how honey mead was drank in medieval times on the medieval folk’s wedding nights. It’s just another hard day of pretending the first date is a wedding day for The Badge, really. He quizzes her about the moon and the luna cycle before they give each other a big ol’ pash.
Back at the cocktail party, post date, Tennille describes the kiss as ‘sexy’ and I love it! She’s the first one to be blatantly head over heels and not cagey about her smooch.
This isn’t good enough for Rogue Romy and she goes rogue by telling the girls a bit of a ‘he said, she said’ waffle about Tennille not wanting to kiss The Badge – but doing it anyway.
Tennille gets mad and runs off, outside of the rose covered fence and just keeps running. Everyone is wondering where she’s going because we all know you can’t just get out of the Big Brother House without a trip to the diary room. This is getting interesting.
She’s stopped by a producer before she even reaches Dreamworld.
Tennille demands the producer to take her mic off and he says he can’t which is a reminder of that sneaky little contract the girls have agreed to. The producer stands there awkwardly like a bartender who absolutely does NOT agree with the security guard kicking out a drunk customer, but also really values their paycheck. Tough gig.
Another producer runs after Tennille shouting “babe, babe, babe” more times than is necessary. It turns into the Blair Witch Project and all we can see is trees and dark and more trees with a smattering of “babes” for audio.
Eventually, the producers calm her down and get her to talk about The Badge before coming back to the raging party. She doesn’t say anything notable but its still dramatic AF.
The producer even offers Tennille the shoes off her very own feet, despite the fact Tennille just shouted at her. It’s a pretty accurate depiction of a sweetheart boyfriend talking down his drunk girlfriend off a hallucinated and wine fuelled ledge on a Saturday night; she’ll regret it tomorrow whilst the producer will feel very smug about being the hero.
The Rose ceremony starts but not before we get a great shot of the full moon which reminds us shit is about to get real fucked up. Explains a lot. Can’t argue with science.
Tennille looks like she was never crying. Everyone pretends The Blair Witch Project never happened. Producer is probs standing behind the camera shoe-less.
Everyone gets a rose except Rhiannon and Ashlea. Poor Rhiannon didn’t really get a chance. Ashlea didn’t really do anything other than agree with everyone else so…
Until tomorrow night!