We enter into Episode 3 of The Badgelor with the gals unpacking their thoughts on Vanessa Sunshine Sucker in the house and shockingly, they’re not positive. Invisible (I want to say Blair?) mentions it’s hard to stand out in the house and I feel for her when she realises just how little air time the package cutters at Ch.10 have given her.
Osh pops by to give us the priceless rhyme ‘who will get the chance for romance’ and all of the girls spend a lot of time giving Cass false hope that SHE is going to be going on the single date. Kitty Cat hisses a riddle from the date card to reveal the single date is ……..
Oh God, my heart. My cold dead heart. She looks like a baby who has dropped their ice cream. But, I have no doubt she will take this in her stride and be right back sniffing The Badge’s hair in his sleep tomorrow night.
Nonetheless – the winner of the single date is Brittany!!
Britt turns up for the date looking a bit like a Stepford housewife in the Hamptons and they whisper sweet nothings to each other across the jetty like a scene from The Notebook.
The Badge likens her to Wonder Woman and is VERY happy his childhood dreams of boning Wonder Woman are one step closer to reality.
They go boatin’.. They get off the boat and The Badge makes her climb up a hill, all the while ushering her from the behind, most DEFINITELY staring at her behind. She thanks her lucky stars she wore heels on this date, I bet. Girls everywhere empathetically cheers at the thought of boys who have made them wear heels anywhere stupid.
Up Shit Creek without a paddle, The Badge reveals he’s taking Brittany footgolfing and she couldn’t look more annoyed or confused and I’m with her.. Again, girls everywhere empathetically cheers for all the shitty dates in the world. TF is this shit? Footgolfing sounds and looks stupid. What kind of lass gets dressed up for footgolfing? None..the answer is none.
To her credit, she recovers from her obvious disappointment at this idea of a ‘date’ quickly and gives the balls a big ol’ bootin’.
The Badge assumes she can’t kick because she’s a girl and gives her footgolf lessons by thrusting his hips into her passionately. I tip my hat to him for successfully hiding his boner at this point. She’s a catch. Brittaney uses a Shrek reference to describe The Badge and it’s terribly un-romantic. After the footgolfing and hip thrusting and onion talk, we can tell they’re in love.
The sportsball ends and they go into a dating quiz show that Britt prepared earlier. They each pick three qualities they’d like in a partner. Britt says she has way more than three and you just know that’s true – she’s definitely the type of girl who is looking for at least 127 key qualities in her future partner.
They both share a bit about themselves and Brittany talks about how her life is perfect, except for the fact she’s lacking a man. I love her but hate her at the same time for this profound declaration of life perfection. Single gals everywhere rejoice again.
Amongst much sweet, sweet bants, The Badge takes the terribly romantic and intimate moment to suggest a dip and we’re back to being reminded these dates are shithouse and we’re all better off on Tinder.
Brittany agrees to the shitty suggestion of a nighttime dip, like the catch she is, and The Badge is (rightfully) knocked for six by her perfect bod and goddess-like looks in a swimsuit. She’s equally as impressed by his huge reptillian traps.
They linger on a maybe kiss for a while before going in for this season’s FIRST REAL KISS!
Rogue Romy’s attack was not a real kiss. It was her going rogue.
Brittaney’s a fucking sweetheart and its early days, but she’s going to a 10 on the approval rating.
We move to the group activity – I’m no longer calling these bullshit things dates – and Osh exclaims they’re having handshake classes to win The Badges heart! Of course, when you’re on a date with someone, an indicator that it’s going well is a bloody firm handshake. Fair shake of the sauce bottle m8!
We get to watch the girls perform what looks like a primary school handshake with a ping pong ball and it’s like a job interview meets an Amsterdam sex show; you’re getting judged on your hand grip AND your ability to keep balls in the air. Intriguing.
It’s time for the second group activity and Cuckoo Cayla is right on the money hoping its something that involves touching so she can ‘touch Nick’. Blimey, this girl IS a psychic! I’m getting worried about this boy’s safety.
Of course, the second group activity is ‘waltz on a pipe’ and Kitty Cat takes it waaaaay too seriously – I’m embarrassed for her. The girls each take in turns sashaying and dry humping The Badge down a rusty pipe whilst the others watch on. Watching on is clearly painful fo Carnage Cass and she looks like she might literally explode from nerves. Nope, she also hump-sashays down and the world is right again.
Judging by the social IQ of the last games, I’m forecasting the next game to be suck and blow.
Nope, it’s heart smashing. The girls take turns answering shallow questions about The Badge like its going to let them get to know him on a deeper level and when they lose, they smash each other’s hearts. Brutal.
Alex’s hearts get broken by Kitty Cat several times because she thinks she’s more of a threat than the others and Vanessa Sunshine says she’ll prove her wrong. I’m not sure Sunshine Sucker will have any luck convincing anyone she wants to be there enough to be a threat but i’ve been wrong before.
Some idiot thinks The Badge has salmon, eggs and avo for dinner rather than breakfast and it’s really painting a better picture of the girls.
The Badge looks on in discomfort as the heart smashing unfolds and he realises he is 100% to blame for the hundreds of pieces of ceramic heart on the floor.
The hearts look like the girls probably dating history…
Through some metaphorical turn of events, Vanessa Sunshine Sucker wins the heartbreaking contest and gets the solo date. He takes her to sit on a chair and sip voddy sodas and It’s VERY uncomfortable to watch. The Badge says he hasn’t seen her smile and is left speechless when she reveals she doesn’t like dad jokes. Who doesn’t like dad jokes? Satan’s spawn – that’s who. He proceeds to try and get a blood from a stone for a little bit whilst they both try to understand the other’s meaning of brunch then finally, he cuts the night short out of boredom.
In the morn, Ball-lovin-Brookesta is humbly (and boldly) whippin’ up The Badge a breaky of bacon and eggs to take him as she has the key to the Badge Pad and she wants to remind him she’s wifey material. The Badge Pad must be in Narnia because she needs a map to get there and i’m hoping the picnic basket is insulated.
Insulated, yet chic picnic baskets – there’s a niche market one should Google after this.
Brookesta arrives and The Badge is surprised it’s her at the door which is weird; how many keys to his house does he normally give out? Plaaaaayaaaaaa.
They cheers B&E rolls and talk deep thoughts about how much they both love their life. The Badge looks so very impressed and he’s getting starry eyed at her beauty and my heart is warm again.
Although, I feel like she may have done herself a disservice by not spiking the juice because it seems that whats loosened up everyone else for a smooch. In a shocking turn of events, the ball lovin’ duo go play sportsball and he actually uses his best athletic skills against her. Come on mate, I’m a feminist but – it’s polite to let your date win.
They kiss and make out on the grass and its cute AF. Then, they go on to have some super cute and deep time on a rock in a national park that no-one’s entirely sure how they got to. They return back to the house looking like a real couple and Cass looks like she’s been punched. Before we know it, the diary is back out again and oh god no..please.. someone take this poor girl’s book away from here. She’s literally been writing spells since they had a date that one time in the real world and is now reciting her every entry to The Badge, one embarrassing ep at a time. Hun, he’s just not that into you.
Somewhere in the background, Kitty Cat and Rogue Romy ask Vanessa Sunshine Sucker if she finds The Badge attractive and she looks like a toddler who didn’t go poo-poo before leaving the house and now has to admit to her parents she needs to go. Not comfortable.
Rogue Romy wanks on this poo-poo pulling a bit more and is a bit of a bitch tbh.
The Badge asks the Russian Reindeer to go for a walk and within seconds she reveals she has a little whippersnapper at home and I melt for her. She must really want
the D love to be away from him.
Cass pops in with her dreaded diary again and reads The Badge a passage. I really don’t understand why she had to read this from a diary. My palms are so sweaty..couldn’t she have written it on a grocery pad? Also, WHY ARE THE DIARY PAGES BLANK? IS THERE EVEN ANY WRITING? DID SHE WRITE IT IN UNREADABLE SILVER GEL PEN LIKE A REAL KID? IS THERE EVEN ANY WRITING? IS THIS A FAKE TV SHOW?
Alas, she goes in for a romantic hug and he gives her a big brother hug in return. Ouch.
Back in the group, Picasso Shanz gives the Mean Girls a serve on behalf of the rest of the group (and Australia) and Kitty Cat is not happy. She claws back and there is DRAHMA! Rogue Romy tries to leave Kitty Cat but she awkwardly grabs her hand to stay and you know that feeling when you know your girlfriend is wrong but you’re still her friend so you need to stay? That’s that hand tug.
The girls all get a bit bitchy and accuse each other of not being genuine which is all a bit rich considering they’ve known each other like 5 minutes. Come on gals, support each other. You’re already openly sharing the only possible thing you could really be fighting for so no need to start a debacle.
We head to the rose ceremony and everyone looks sad and nervous (particularly The Badge – these chicks are nuts). All gals bar some invisibles get a rose. Kudos to Invisible Kayla who chucked a shakas on the way out. In the two eps she’s gotten airtime, she’s highlighted my night. #pooljumpgate
Sadly Cuckoo Cayla didn’t make the cut and had to leave but not before she told The Badge her opinion on the gals. Her opinions were not pretty, also not appreciated. The Badge put her in the car quicker than he could sidestep his date and she disappeared into the night.
Until next time.
Badgelor Approval Ratings:
Invisible Aleksandra: 5/10
Ally Alisha: 3/10
Invisible Ashlea: 5/10
Invisible Blair: 5/10
Carnage Cass: 5/10 – she’s losing point p/diary entry
Kitty Cat: 0/10
Invisible Christina: 5/10
The Russian Reindeer: 7/10
Rory Gilmore: 6/10
Invisible Rhiannon: 5/10
Rogue Romy: 1/10 (she has less air time tonight, chucked her a 1)
Picasso Shanz: 7/10
Ten foot Tenille: 9/10
Vanessa Sunshine Sucker: 3/10