Recaps

The Bachelor ep.13 Recap ‘ The Last Single Date’

Things are getting hot and heavy and The Badge is getting more evasive..

It feels like a lot longer than a week since our last bachie fix but given that this ep opens with a snippet of a bowling alley, you know we’re in for some real ball-filled fun.

The group date is in fact at a bowling alley and the gals are all revved and rearing to get dressed into another costume. Because, of course, the bowling alley and their date is retro 50’s themed so they need to be too. They’re instructed by the ever faithful Osh to go get changed and I’m pumped; nothing says sex like hairpin curls and throwing 12kg balls down some oiled up wood.

Britt says this date will be ‘right up her alley’ and I’m weirdly delighted by the pun.

The gals are dressed and actually look bangin’ in their 50’s get-ups and I retract my earlier sarcasm. Nick has his hair slicked back, much like the 80’s rock band ep, into a weird  comb over man pony and it looks terrible. He’s really enjoying it though. Bless.

The aim of the ball-slinging game is to basically just keep bowling balls until someone gets a strike. The lucky striker then gets to spend one-on-one time with The Badge in a peculiarly placed car until the next gal strikes out in which she then subs in. Speed dating but with a ball-filled twist. I like it.

Brookesta is the first one to get a strike (obvs..balls) and on her speed date she gets asked what she sees in her future. She takes too long to answer and pretty much says nothing before Soph a loaf gets a strike which cuts their time short. Then, Rory Gilmore does the same. This happens a lot and frankly, no one gets any quality time because the girls are so good at ball slinging they just keep subbing out.

Except for Cass. Cass is not great. Cass is all of us when trying to bowl and does not get a car chat. Car chats are overrated anyway. It’s a proven fact that the car is where seriously detrimental chats happen.

Next up, they’re asked to write letters to their 2028 selves, from their 2018 perspectives. Dear God haven’t we had enough diary spiels?

Alas, they take the task of writing letters in a bowling alley VERY seriously. Cass starts the letters off and tells her future-self how happy she is that she’s found her soulmate (The Badge.. duh) followed by a lot of emosh letters from the rest of the girls about how proud they are of their future selves. My heart is full of warmth because they’re all really bloody proud of themselves in ten years. Fair shake of the sauce bottle, girls. I’m a bit stunned at how seriously Cass took this but mostly warm.

The Russian Reindeer gets sad about her baby calf at home in her letter and Britters actually makes her’s funny. She stands out in a line up of heart-tuggers and wins The Badge’s choice of love letters with her declaration of good sex and an alleged sense of humour in ten years.

I’m too busy blubbering about Dasha’s lil’ calf to care.

Britters gets a little D&M lounge time at a chocolate bar with The Badge for her winning letter about 40 y/o sexcapades. Britters, in a rare occurrence of her taking charge,  takes this lounge time as a chance to ask The Badge how he feels about her. The Badge swerves the question and instead tells her things he likes about her. It’s every girl’s dream to be told she’s pretty when she asks the guy she wants to bone how he feels about her.

Next up, its the final single date!

Soph-a-loaf and The Badge are going ice skating for this and it’s very romantic. Genuinely.

They kiss on arrival and skate around hugging and getting in each other’s faces. It’s hot. It’s hot until they start squatting like ducks anyway.  Then it becomes cold again. Not sure about that.

It looks like a regular couple on a regular (cute) date. That is until they transition into an ice hockey game. Ahh of course.. the ol’ made up game twist HAD to come.

The Badge proposes a mini ice hockey match and bets that if Soph-a-loaf loses, she has to kiss him. I could cut the sexual tension with an ice skate. No one is really sure what is supposed to happen if The Badge loses because it was never going to happen.

Soph loses and has to kiss him. Shocking. They smooch heavily in the ice rink goals and it kinda seems like they forget there are a few layers of padding and probs ten film crew members surrounding them because they passionately canoodle right there on the ice for some time.

Oooft.. It’s melting.

As compensation for losing the game, Soph gets not a rose, but a stuffed polar bear from The Badge. 

Later, the D&M couch has been swapped out for a pool with some quality sparkling (I can only assume) to loosen their inhibitions.  Soph and The Badge float around the pool talking about how nervous and unsure they are for hometown visits. Soph strongly hints she would like The Badge to tell her she’s definitely getting a hometown visit whilst The Badge seems oblivious and says not much at all about which gf’s family home he’s turning up at next week. Rude. They stare into each other’s eyes lovingly and awkwardly.

They’re sweaty AF and it becomes clear its a spa. I think I’m the only idiot in Australia who was actually wondering why they didn’t look cold. My life is richer now. How long did they need that pool heater on to get that? Nice one producers.

The awkward staring is followed by a passionate smoosh, a butt grab, a tiny bikini shot and some skin on skin almost boning.  Soz, isn’t this a family time slot? You’re going to lose this time slot if you keep doing that, m8.

They come back from the single date and straight into a cocktail party. Still, no rose for Soph.   Soph-a-loaf had a hot minute to get glammed up and whip on a cocktail dress, but no time to sit down the massive gimmick teddy she won for losing ice hockey so he too is at the cocktail party, getting LIT on spritzers.

At the cocktail party, Cass pulls The Badge aside. Many people are bracing themselves for another diary page but nope, Cass has decided to give The Badge a little taste of Hawaii by setting up a date corner – Hawaain themed. Admittedly someone probably set it up for her but alas, she has taken one of the last nights in the quest for love, to dress in a Hawaain shirt (The Badge doesn’t have enough ops to wear one of these bad boys) and serenade each other with ukeleles. Ohhh Cass… Cass, Cass, Creepin’ Cass.

The ever-damp palms creep up a notch at this. They sing and giggle and look ridiculous in their floral shirts. I wonder how they dispense the dates on this as whilst Rory Gilmore got a personalised ballet lesson – Cass gets two ukes and a Mai Tai.

The rose ceremony comes around and everyone gets one except The Russian Reindeer and Rory Gilmore.

The Russian Reindeer was very emosh this ep about missing her little calf and The Badge made the decision to let her go home. V cute. I’m V sad we don’t get to see the 10/10 that is Dasha on our screens anymore but The Badge went up a cool points notch.

Sigh..

Catch ya tomorrow Badgies.

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