Welcome to the hometown episode of The Bachelor – Nick Cummins, this is your tape.
Lel, never gets old.
Cass is first off the ranks and she gives a bit of a spiel about how nervous, but excited, she is for the fam to meet the subject of her unhealthy infatuation. She tells us she’s not worried about her bro meeting him though because The Badge has actually met him last year at her birthday party. What the FUCK? Why will no one clarify how many a ‘few’ is in this big ol’ shit show? I need answers.
We’ve heard they went on a ‘few’ dates, that became ‘three’ dates, now he’s met her fam and been to her pool party? Jesus.. I know she’s obsessed but three dates is kinda quick for a family bday invite. Isn’t it?
In Cassie’s hometown, The Badge rocks up to a horse stable and Cass tells him to get ready for a ride (of the horse). He asks “who are the other blokes you’re talking to?” – implying the horses – in a feeble attempt to make a lol but it goes down badly because he’s obviously the one with a few side pieces.
Side note – I always picked Cass as a surfie chick. She’s actually a real farmhand. Get you a girl who can do BOTH! Also, horse riding is fun, but haven’t we had enough ‘fun’ dates? Where’s the romance, Cass? The Friendzone is only getting bigger.
At Cassie’s house, we’re introduced to a whole family of Cassies. The blonde hair, the toothy grin – it’s all there. Her mum is the bloody sweetest and dives right in to ask Cass if The Badge is her soulmate because she “should’ve known that straight away”.
Mmmmm..apple from the tree.
Mumsy says she put on a good supper of salmon for him and the producer agrees awkwardly. I’m not sure why this tickled me so much, but it did.
Creeper’s mum tries to put on the ‘hard’ questions but she just hints strongly that Cass should be The Badge’s pick which isn’t really groundbreaking. Due to the fact she’s just a grown version of Cass, her questioning has zero effect because she’s sweet as pie.
Cassie’s big sis steals The Badge away for a chat and asks him if he has feelings for her. He answers with some bullshit about needing to be on the same life-page as the girl he chooses which pretty much means ‘no’ because Cass is 23 and definitely NOT on the same life page. He looks pretty happy about Cass having a crush on him though. Sis does a better job of playing the bottle blonde bad guy.
The Badge quickly declares It’s time to hit the frog and toad and mumsy says he’s already part of the furniture..dear god. The apple strikes again.
She even sent him with cookies. My heart <3
On the way out, Cass all but tells The Badge she loves him and he does not reciprocate. They do not share a kiss, they do not have a moment – they hug. It is an absolute heartbreaker. It’s the epitome of friend zoned.
I dab my tears dry in time for the next hometown date.
Next up is Ball-Lovin-Brookesta’s hometown and she pops up on a footy field. The Badge brings her some roses and I feel like that’s a bit a dick move because roses are a very confusing commodity to these girls. Talk about fuckboy move. Brookesta teaches him to play footy because he could use the practice and they head back to her place. 😉
Back at her house, Brookesta’s friend, Tess, doesn’t even let the poor bloke sit down before she declares war on his floofy little ass by way of serious investigating.
Tess wanks on a bit to make it clear she does not agree with Brookesta finding love this way and I’m not a big fan of hers, tbh. She’s a bit judgey of reality TV which is an outrage. I would love my bff to find love i n front of the nation. Imagine the free shit.
Tess continues her Olivia Benson reenactment into dinner and cuts the poor chap off from trying to eat his spag bowl to continue the questioning in private. She’s weirdly happy about his discomfort too.
Jesus this is particularly heinous.
The Badge says he expected a “coupla’ curly questions” but she’s giving him the kitchen sink. He just came for the free dinner.
Badge wraps up the visit by giving Tess an extended bear hug in a way that says “I hate my girlfriend’s friends, but I must endure this”.
Outside, Brookesta tells him she’s falling in love with him and he kisses her. Properly. Unlike when Cass did this.. Poor Cass.
Next up, Soph-A-Loaf is on the grill.
She’s waiting by the water for him because she’s a Gold Coast chic. Soph tells The Badge how she grew up by the water on boats with jet skis and sailing lessons etc… just your classic goldie rich-kid activities. Because of this, they go jet-skiing and it looks like a bloody hoot of a time. I’m also banking this one for future dates.
They move into fam time back at Soph-A-Loaf’s house and her family is super cool and super wholesome. My heart is warm. Imagine the brief to your own fam before this; “be kewl, don’t get too drunk on TV, wear pants”. Amazing.
Her sisters start asking The Badge a lot of questions and he handles them like a champ.
They also then chat to Soph-A-Loaf about him and they’re revealed as the only rational people in the entire show because they say The Badge “can’t answer honestly because he can’t give away the show” and I’m sold. Finally, people who aren’t shocked he’s keeping them in suspense. Soph-A-Loaf for the win!
Lastly, It’s Stepford Britt’s hometown visit and turns out she lives on the set of Daryl Braithewaite’s, horses.
Except, plot twist, it’s camels. They whisper sweet nothings to each other before its revealed Britters has arranged for camels to take them from the set, aka the beach, to her house. They use this as a time to prattle some more about world travel but I’m more impressed that she could get Daryl to let her use his space if I’m honest.
I always thought Port Macquarie was for bogans*, but here we have it – two cultured beings flourishing from their roots.
The Badge admits he’s shitting bricks about meeting Britt’s parents and compares it to dropping the ball in a test match in front of thousands of people.. We haven’t forgotten that mate, don’t worry.
On arriving at Britt’s home, The Badge is instantly intercepted by her dad and exclaims he would “scare a dog out of butcher shop”. I’m not great at dating, but next time I pick up I’m probs not going to use that phrase to describe my date’s dad..
Britt’s dad, Tony, says he didn’t have a bloody clue who The Badge was before this and he doesn’t have great opinions about football players. He seems to actually really fucking hate footballers and I get the feeling he thinks The Badge is rugby league player – not a union player. I hope someone clarifies for him.
Tony bangs on a bit about trust and he appears to have had a beer or two but I love him anyway.
Britt’s brother pops in to tell The Badge he’s a good lookin’ rooster, but not a doctor, just to bring him and his seedy moustache down a peg. To be fair, he has a point. Britter’s does come off as someone who would be a big fan of the vanilla suit type.
I love this family.
Fuck yeah, finally next up is some TRUTH! Britt’s sister IS the FBI and takes The Badge aside to question him about this alleged ‘3 dates’ with Creepin’ Cass. The Badge says it was just casual dating and he’s squirming in his furry little jacket.
I love this sister. She also looks just like Britters. God damn this gene pool is diverse. No offence T-dog – your daughters are bangin’ .
Sis then goes on to tell Britters that the media knows more than her and my heart breaks for my **fave Port Macquarie Stepford wife. She is questioning everything! She’s pissed about it too.
Back at the Badgie Mansion, Britters beelines for Cass to find out EXACTLY what happened between her and The Badge. Cass has no idea what’s coming and goes for hug and it’s the hug of death.
Britt pretty much asks Cass if they’ve banged and Cass strongly hints they have by avoiding answering the question. She even says Britt asking her is ‘inapproiate’. Like bitch, did you bang my boyfriend and lie to me about it or not? Not a toughie.
Cass says they kissed and ‘stuff’. I’m not really sure what that means because it kinda seems like they HAVE boned but, at the same time, Cass doesn’t have the best sense of romantic reality. The jury is still out on this big question; DID THE BONE OR NOT?
I get that Cass doesn’t want to reveal her coitus on tv but its kind of a bad time to pull the ‘inappropriate’ card.
Poor Britters. This is awkward AF. But she remains relatively stoney and strong like the good Stepford wife she is.
The rose ceremony comes and everyone gets a rose except Cass. She looks like she’s been punched in the heart which in her defence, is probably what she feels like RN.
My heart is also broken for her. Dear lord, I’m feeling a lot in this ep.
We’re all glad Cass didn’t get a rose because she was one step from a breakdown but The Badge says they should “stay friends” which everyone knows is code for “i’ll call you drunk when I’m up shit creek without a girlfriend paddle” and I want to wax his moustache off so he feels that pain. Dick move.
Next week is the last week and we will be waiting!
*Please Port Macquarie locals leave me in peace – I too am from the middle of nowhere and am a raging bogan. I have respect for all towns and all bogans.
** I don’t know anyone from Port Macquarie so this may be a skewed opinion I just really love Britters.