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The Bachelor: Ep.1 Recap ‘The Arrivals’

What to expect on your first date..

Ahh it’s that time of year again where we’re on the edge of our seat watching as 25 gals compete for the love of their life in the private and personal setting of national television. Of course, The Bachelor season 6 has launched Australia and in case you missed it – I recapped the whole dang thing for you.

I’ll warn you, It’s like the producers copped a whopping after last season and got told to cut the drama down in order to actually help the poor bach find a life partner because, it was a bit of a snooze fest compared to last season’s arrivals ep but alas, let’s get down to it.

Osh opens the ep with a heartwarming Shakespearean like monologue about how the infamous Honey Badger is a lovable larrikin before setting the scene that tonight’s rose ceremony will take place at a cocktail party…like we didn’t know this already. There’s a montage of the Honey Badger’s finest rugby moments followed by some sweet words and a quick moment with Osh and The Badge on the carpet in which The Badge dad rhymes “Bring it in, for the real thing” and I pray he doesn’t make me regret loving him. The Badge claims he wants a lass who knows herself, has been through tough times and has found herself through tough times. Got it.

Before we know it – the first wannabe Badger Burrower has arrived

Picasso Shanz is the first to arrive and honestly she’s opened the gate strong. I’m momentarily worried when she proclaims she’s ‘shitting her dacks from nerves’ that she cottoned onto Token-Bogan-Tara from season 5’s bogan ways but then she comes into her own. There’s some pensieve pans of her and her paintings followed by her skateboarding by the beach to show us she is kewl and laid back. She says men can be a little “young” which is a profound bit of wisdom from the 25 y/o. On the carpet, Picasso Shanz and The Badge kiss and hug and she tells him she’s weird because she skates and that’s about it. The Badge is quite huggy for a first date and my palms sweat at the thought of someone calling themselves weird.

Note – anyone who calls themselves a weirdo is in fact, probably not weird..

Approval rating: 6/10. Cute. Friendly. Visually pleasing. Real energy burst. Loses points for trying too hard on the “i’m kewl and weird” train.

The ‘i’m probably too young to settle down but i’m definitely here for love’, Ball-lovin’-Brookesta comes, with balls, to show her love for sportsball. The Badge admires her abs AND her balls whilst telling her he too, loves balls. She pretends to have no idea who he is and they laugh and laugh and laugh. She then teaches him how to pass a footy because God knows, he could use the help. The Badge then kicks a ball off into the sunset as a celebratory pat on the back.

Approval rating: 7/10

She’s a sweet ass chick with the looks to match. Loses points for being a few years shy of knowing who The Badge is.

Badass Britney arrives and mentions she’s from Port Macquarie which is funny because The Badge is from Port Macquarie so they agree they MUST have dated in pre school due to the mere size of the town. It’s all very sweet and convoluted. I remember literally nothing from pre school let alone anyone’s name so i’m calling bullshit. They yammer about Asian countries they love and brag about their travels  before scampering away from each other.

Approval rating:  5/10. She was pretty icy for a first meet in my honest, lounge judging opinion.

Cuckoo Cayla arrives and lets The Badge know that she knew she was going to meet him because she’s a psychic. She professes she did some hocus pocus on a love rock to wish The Badge many good bones and then disappears into the night.

Approval rating: 4/10 – You’d never get bored with this one. But there’d also probably never be any spontaneity because she reads minds.

Kitty Cat; Young, successful, beautiful, she wanks on a bit about how successful she is as a fashion and jewelery designer living out of Bali. Also mentions she made him a present which judging by her intense stare is probably made with her literal blood sweat and tears. She talks about good vibes then leaves.

Approval rating: 5/10

*note– this was on first impression, she managed to rank major drama queen points through the ep.

I’m snoozing. Where are the exotic dancers? The fire twirlers?

There’s a short montage of some poor lasses Channel 10 didn’t deem right for air time right now.  There was some Greek plate throwing, a cake baker and someone by the name of Jess blowing some glitter.

There were many more gals squished in here but i’m not counting them until Channel 10 does.

Carnage Cass – PLOT TWIST! Tall, blonde and leggy Carnage Cass arrives looking beautiful in gold and is obviously here to cause carnage. She strongly hints to the producers that even though she had no idea The Bach would be The Badge, she’s actually already banged him. She gives some vague reason of why they didn’t work out (bad timing) which really just makes it seem as though she’s JUST  found out the guy she’s seeing is the protagonist in a reality dating TV show and she was waiting for him to call back.

Approval rating: 6/10.

She banged on a bit about how they probably schmanged but she was very sweet. Much head over heels.

Motor boatin’ Sophie – She likes speed boatin’ and fishin’ and that’s all I got because Cass still holds Channel Ten’s attention.

Approval rating: 5/10.

There is much focus on this possible romance between Carnage Cass and The Badge including a monologue with The Badge that pretty much confirms that he in fact just never called her back  by saying ‘timing just wasn’t right’ which everyones knows, is just saying you couldn’t be assed picking up the dog and bone so it fizzled out.

Rory Gilmore aka Emily aka Alexis Bledel arrives and slides through without so much as a second of screen time and im wondering why. *Makes mental note to pick up the latest Handmaid’s Tale.

Approval rating: 5/10

You can’t mark what you don’t know.

Some more bland first meets slide on through; Ashlee, Christina (who is FROTHING off the Honey Badger and is definitely a huge rugby fan), Suzie, Autumn, Romy, ‘Ursh’, Julianna, Rhiannon, Blair, Aleksandra ..

Wisecrack Alicia arrives and claims she’s as “nervous as a long tailed cat” which is ironic because she’s really got her paws all over The Badge and do these people have no first date rules?  Why is everyone so cat like?

The Russian Reindeer – Dasha arrives and HEEEEERE IT IS! THE SEX! THE SCANDAL! I’m awake. “I don’t need a boy in my life, I need a man” she exclaims. Then, before I understand what’s happening she’s off her feet and handstanding over  The Badge doing sit ups to his face and it’s all gotten a bit erotic. Tantric sex positions are now in the prime TV slot and i’m making notes for my next first date. You couldn’t do that at dinner.

Approval rating: 10/10. She’s got balls AND would be a real go-getter in the bedroom.

Vanessa Sunshine Sucker is next and it’s clear to see why her name is Vanessa Sunshine – because she ate the sunshine. She ate the damn sun and around her is nothing but darkness..and beautiful, beautiful hair..but mostly darkness. She’s evil.

She proclaims The Badge isn’t good enough for her to burrow with and moves along looking like a cat who most certainly did not get the cream.

Approval rating: 2/10

Ugh finally.. The cocktail party is here and the girls already are looking a little half tanked and im here for it. They’re sitting around gasbagging about how they have all conveniently met The Badge at some point in their lives and Carnage Cass pops in once more, to all but confirm they’ve had some hot and heavy schmangs on the local gym mats.

Kitty Cat wanks on about how she’s only here to meet Osh which sounds very unusually fame seeky for a reality TV show and what do you know, the cheeky devil Osh appears. Osh gives an inspirational speech about people going on to get married after The Bach like success stories aren’t the minority and the party gets started.

He also drops the bomb that one lucky lass gets the key for The Badge Pad and there are a lot of happy and eager girls who want that darn key. This is weird considering the fact they’ve just been told any possible schmang op they have with The Badge could be interrupted by one of his other gf’s at any time.

The Badge returns to the party to give his own speech about how your first love breaks your heart, your second love is wrong timing and your third love is the one. Myself and the rest of the world are now too busy trying to figure out whether we’re set for a life of doom by this logic to pay attention to whatever else is going on.

New plot comes to light with Kitty Cat claiming another (non air time worthy, Sophie) date was dating her ex in RL and shits about to get real. She starts spreading the story that Sophie is dating her ex so she couldn’t possibly love The Badge and Kitty Cat must be the noble steed who reveals this. More DRAHMA!

Badgey takes Sopie on a date to the pool ten metres away to play toy boats and she keeps mentioning how much she likes his Australianism.

They pan to Cuckoo Cayla in the corner and she’s preaching veganism and fortune telling and its obvs she’s definitely had one too many champs and I wonder about anyone who has had to endure any gal after a few too many drinks on the first date and LOL.

Side note – Ball-lovin’-Brookesta has gone straight to the deep talk and im ready to give her a stronger rating due to her maturity already being way beyond the others.

Rory Gilmore asks for a  minute with the bach so politely I want to cry then disappears back into the cocktail depths without even the slightest of fuss. Lorelai isn’t here to save you, doll – elbows out!

One of the invisibles, Kayla, says she wants to do something unpredictable and out of the ordinary to get his attention and I just know she’s gonna jump in the pool. Sure enough she jumps in the pool and you can HEAR the crickets and cringing from here. I’m dying. THE BADGE HAS NO IDEA SHE IS IN THE POOL! My embarrassment for her is real.. we all need a bit of that courage.

They continue to gasbag about who’s gonna get The Badge Pad orgy key then The Badge gives out roses to all of the girls bar three and they all act sad and surprised despite the odds.

Brooke got The Badge Pad key and im very happy about this tbh. I think there is some part of The Badge thinking he’d really like to bone her but also she doesn’t seem crazy enough to abuse the key to sniff his hair at night which is a bonus.

Kayla is probs off shivering with her rose now.

It’s all a bit snoozy but I am SO keen to see what unfolds tomorrow night in Osh’s monopoly of love.

 

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