How I Marie Kondo’d My iPhone

✨ Spark joy ✨

Look, I’m not one to get preachy about my lifestyle choices. I literally can’t, I’m a vegetarian who LOVES a good ol’ cheeseburger with extra bacon every now and again (don’t @ me). However, indulge me just for a moment and let me tell you exactly why you need to Marie Kondo the shit out of your phone.

#HumbleBrag but I actually did this well before Kondo’s cute-as-a-button series showed up on my Netflix recs. ‘Tidying Up’ has had wild success for a show about cleaning up and now people sparking joy left, right and centre. However, one thing I can almost guarantee does not spark joy but we all kept it anyway are our phones.

Oh the humble iPhone, even when you don’t need it, you’re touching it. When you go to check the time you end up in a 15-minute Instagram scroll. When you’re not thinking about it at all, it’s thinking about you (or at least collecting your data and selling it to third parties, sorry not sorry).

So if you’re having a lil bit of trouble focusing on your other-half instead of your screen, these simple little hacks will Kondo the fuckery out of your phone and leave you sparking joy IRL.

Turn off (almost) all your notifications

Be brave, this is actually the easiest and most effective way to KonMari your phone. If you’re on an iPhone head to settings > Notifications > Switch them all off. If you’re on an Android, why? Samsung snipes aside, once you’ve turned off all your notifications, it’s easy to customise and control the things you do want to see.

For example, I only have four sets of notifications switched on my phone and all of them are badges (that annoying red circle in the right-hand corner of your apps). Badges are turned on for texts, missed calls, emails and banking. That’s all. There are no banners, no lock screen notifications, nada. And you know what, I don’t miss them. Sure my friends can get a bit like this when I’m absent from the group chat:

But on the whole, no one really cares if you don’t answer in five seconds flat. If you’re expecting an important email or phone call just keep a closer eye on things. If not, spend the day in blissful ignorance give yourself some designated time for life admin time to catch up on everything that would have interrupted your day.

Do not disturb mode is your friend

According to numerous smart people on the internet, limiting the interruptions from your phone during the day can have positive impacts on your mental health and your productivity. Do Not Disturb mode is another great feature you can use the block out the noise on your phone.

Switching to DND silences all of your calls and texts for the day and honestly, it’s AMAZE. It’s also not as severe as you think. Thanks to the tech-heads over at Apple, there’s a sub-feature which lets you choose to receive calls and messages from your faves. That way you don’t have to deal with pass-ag texts from your mum if she suspects you’re screening her.

Cull your Instagram (and get away with it)

Unfollowing someone on Insta is a lot more complicated than it sounds, there are feelings attached! We all have those family members whose content annoys the crap out of us BUT since they’re your fam it’s unlikely you can just unfollow and not get major side eye at every family function. The solution? Put ’em on mute.

The mute function will take people’s posts out of your feed and hide their stories so you can say goodbye and good riddance to the wet blankets on your Insta. Friends from school who post 57 photos of their newborn a day? BYE! That conservative cousin who doesn’t stop posting about One Nation? SEE YA! The ex-fling you’re still following so you don’t look salty? AUF WIEDERSEHEN BIATCH.

Play hide and seek with your apps

If you can’t see your favourite apps lurking on the home screen you’re less likely to go straight for them when you unlock your phone. Move Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Pinterest, Tik Tok and any of the other apps draining your battery into a folder on your second screen. Then move your most used apps onto a second screen within that folder. Mine’s Instagram so it’s hidden in a far away folder I like to call Narnia.

You can find Narnia on the third screen of my phone, then once you’re in Narnia it’ll take you three swipes to the left to eventually find Instagram which is super annoying (side note: I’d like to think this has dramatically improved my content because not everything I used to put on stories is worth all that effort, so, you’re welcome).

After a while, muscle memory will kick in and your brain will know exactly where to go to get it’s Insta fix, so move it around every so often and you’ll avoid the problem of automatically going to the ‘gram when all you wanted to do was check the time.

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