15 Things You’ve Probably Told A Bouncer

and by 'things', I obviously mean giant fibs...

Nothing spoils a good night out like a bouncer telling you to take a hike. But while some revert to punching and yelling their way in (so unattractive – and has had a success rate of about 0 vs 7968472 billion), others stick to the more successful route of calm rational discussion. It sometimes works – let’s just say it’s got a success rate of about 20 billion vs 7968472 billion. Small wins.


Below, we take a look at the 15 things you are definitely guilty of telling a bouncer…

  1. I’ve only had 2 bottles of wine drinks.
  2. What do you mean this stamp looks like I’ve done a handmade job? (I put so much effort into making it look real – what kind of genius Sherlock Holmes-type are you bouncers?)
  3. My name should be on the door list (aimlessly look at the door list and pick and point at a name at random “that’s me!”)
  4. I don’t understand why you think this ID is fake? But I know all the details on it. Want me to say my date of birth again? (You thought you’d give it a try. No harm in trying.)
  5. What do you mean you don’t let sandals in – these are $500 Gucci flats… (Real Gucci or fake Gucci – it’s so hard to tell the difference these days anyway).
  6. I’m friends with Katie Smith – she said she’s working tonight and to just drop her name at the door (you may have overheard your friend’s friend saying someone who sounded like Katie Smith was working there tonight).
  7. I’m with them (as you randomly attach yourself to a group of girls that are sauntering past the bouncers).
  8. Nope, haven’t been at a hens. I just like wearing this sash and carrying my penis straw (rookie girl, everyone knows you ditch this stuff on your way to da klub).
  9. I’ve just got to pick up my friend *rattle keys* (I’ve actually tried this… and it worked).
  10. Tell the bouncer that you’ve been asked by the PR to come and take pictures of you and your friends in the club (I mean, surely if it’s a good place they’ll have a PR company looking after them, right?!)
  11. I’m here with 20 of my girlfriends. Did I mention we’re all models? *Looks around as if they’re magically around the corner* (It would actually be magic if they were around the corner seems you’re only friends with one model – and by “friends” we mean you followed each other on Facebook one night out 5 years ago and haven’t talked since).
  12. Oh big strong bouncer, come and hang out with me and my friends after your shift ends *bats eyelids and twirls hair* (what you say before going in… “fark off mate” – what you say after you’ve been let in and he tries to come and hang out with you).
  13. Sorry – I didn’t realise there was a line (as you walk straight past the queue of 250 people trying to get in).
  14. I don’t have any cash on me – can I just go to the ATM once I’m inside and come back and give you the money for the door cover charge? (See yaaaaaa!)
  15. I’m going to tell everyone on social media to NEVER COME TO THIS PLACE! (Has that ever worked for anyone? If it has, I’m pretty sure you deserve an applause).


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