EVERY TIME I take a scroll on Instagram (which, let’s be honest, happens about every 3 minutes), I come up with some new ‘thing’ I reckon I’m going to incorporate into my life. And to be honest, at the time I truly 100 percent believe I can commit to it and walk away a better, leaner, more stylish person. Except the truth is, I pretty much suck at keeping up with any of them. I last a day. And that’s on a good day. Mostly, they just become short-lived loose promises to myself.
But I’m taking a wild stab in the dark and calling it that I’m not alone here. My bets are on that there’s a whole lot of reckless promises going on in people’s heads that are all pretty similar to mine. So here goes – here’s a complete list of the totally unshameful life goals I make from an Instagram scroll, and why realistically, they just ain’t gonna happen…
What I see: Epic smoothie bowls topped with fruits creating the ultimate rainbow effect.
What I promise myself: I’m going to neatly cut up my different fruits and then perfectly arrange them into different sections of the bowl above some frozen acai and a sprinkling of granola.
What actually happens: You know what, it all tastes the same when it’s in your mouth. Why bother making it look pretty when you’re just going to eat it? In actual fact, why bother cutting it up at all – your spoon can do that job – less washing up! And really, Weetbix don’t taste that bad.
What I see: The coolest metallic pink Gucci mules that would most definitely go with everything.
What I promise myself: I’m going to save up and buy myself a pair next paycheck.
What actually happens: Look up the price, shudder, and then tell myself that my BF is probably right that those shoes are ridiculous and don’t belong in public (although he’s oh so wrong cos they are stylinggggggg).
What I see: A super elegant Taraksvasana yoga pose (that’s apparently a handstand scorpion for those non-yogis 🙋) at sunset on a clifftop with romantic shadows bouncing around. How hard can it be?
What I promise myself: I’m going to start doing yoga and be graceful and nimble and have long lean limbs that are flexible and bendy. (Actually – this one is a pretty regular mantra for me… regularly broken I might add).
What actually happens: I go to yoga class. I try to be a downward facing dog, a cobra, a camel, a tree.. but the reality is – I’d much rather just be a sleeping baby for the entire class and be done with it. End of story.
What I see: The winged eyeliner to end all winged eyeliners – perfectly flicked and with angles and curves enough to put a racing car driver to shame.
What I promise myself: I will NOT leave my makeup application to 10 minutes after I was already supposed to have left the house. I will NOT do my eyeliner in the car at the traffic lights. I WILL sit down in front of the mirror with heaps of time and carefully follow a YouTube tutorial step-by-step.
What actually happens: I watch the YouTube tutorial from start to finish and then see a video in the “Up Next” section that I ought to watch too… Nek minute, I realise that my YouTube binge has made me so late that I’ve gone from the “You so funny, you’re always late!” into the “You are so late it’s friggen annoying – this is why I HATE organising to do anything with you!” territory. Oh dear. No winged eyeliner for me…
Main image @jojochambord.
Words by Yelena Fairfax.