Having sex with someone for the very first time can be MANY things. It can be exhilarating, exciting, ecstatic and plenty of other adjectives that begin with an e.
It can also be awkward. Awkward AF.
There was the dude I’d had bants with for 3 years, the sexy Scottish fling and the terrible-in-bed banker wanker. All stories that I could go to work the next day with and regale with glee.
But I know not all gals are as gleeful as I am about the ‘first time’. In fact, many of my pals find it downright nervewracking! So in true Aunty Klee fashion, I’ve broken down the stages of boning for you, so you can better deal with, and understand your next encounter.
1. THE BUILD UP…
No matter the situation, you generally don’t take one look at someone and point to your room and say ‘let’s go’. Actually, I did do that once to a topless waiter but you know, when you look that good and make a mean mojito, that’s really the only option.
GENERALLY, there’s a bit of a chase, a bit of a build up of sexual tension that can leave you feeling a wee ‘antsy’. You may have been on a few banter-fueled dates with a few cheeky pashes and boob grazes… or you may have just been eye fu*king the shit out of the handsome stranger across the room after a few too many shots. You then push your ass into him as he ‘casually walks past’ before pretending you both haven’t been engaging in this ridiculous behaviour once you begin chatting. He then will lean in at some point during the night for a (hopefully) jaw-dropping lingering kiss and you both know it’s ON.
No matter if you’ve known him for yonks (all that flirting over the microwave at lunch), a few weeks of dates or just that night, I do think a bit of liquid fire in the belly makes it more fun and less awks. AA may want to kill me for writing that, but seeing someone naked and letting them put their parts inside your parts for the first time requires a few shots at the very least.
2. THE ‘LET’S GET OUT OF HERE’…
So you’re probably a bit tipsy and in an Uber on the way back home. Depending on the state of your inebriation, you can play it cool with a cheeky peen grab or go full porno much to the driver’s horror (I’m pretty sure my uber driver knew what I was doing in both of those situations) en route.
If you were wondering whose house to head to, it’s pretty simple…
YOURS YOURS YOURS. Don’t EVER go back to his. Unless you still live at home. Or with your grannie. Or with your ex. When you take a man home, YOU’RE in control. You can make him bathe (preferable after all that sweaty grinding), you know your sheets are (somewhat) clean, there’s condoms under your bed and you can do whatever you want with him once you’re both done.
3. IT’S TIME TO GET NAKED
Rightio gals, it’s time to get your moot out. Make sure you keep a few ‘feminine wipes’ in the bathroom so you can freshen up prior and not have your legs flailing about in the air hoping you’re not… well you know… stanky.
So you’ve freshened up, you probably expected this and have a freshly shaved and moisturised rig, with candles flickering in the background for optimal flattering lighting.
Now is the time you get to see what he’s got on offer. Hopefully, by this stage, you have an idea of the piece you’ll be dealing with given most men seem to think that pressing their boner up against us while they kiss us is a sign of MUCH PASSION. But if you haven’t (or aren’t sure if it was a belt buckle or wallet), apprehension will start to creep in as you see a glimpse of pubes.
What if it’s tiny!?
I’ve been in this situation twice in my life. The first I persevered like a true hero and was pleasantly surprised by his ‘other’ skills. But when I saw the second one, my stomach sank and I just couldn’t do that to myself again. So I bailed like a coward making up a myriad of dreadful excuses and sent him on his way. Poor guy. Don’t dismiss a tiny D straight away though ladies, it’s worth a try. It just wasn’t for me.
What if it’s bigger than your forearm!?
Well, once again give it a go! Just make sure the holder of this weapon of mass destruction understands the importance of foreplay.
4. FRISKY FOREPLAY
Some men fail so much in this department so do a fellow a favour and TELL THE BASTARD WHAT YOU LIKE. Don’t just lie there all quiet and shy. Now is not the time (remember parts in other parts), guys don’t shy away from what they want, (how quickly until they’re waving their peen in your face hmmm), so why shouldn’t you get what YOU want!
5. HAVE SEX / FORNICATE / INTERCOURSE / BOINK / SHAG / ROOT / BANG / BONE / SCHMACK / GET A GOOD DICKIN’…etc
Ok so condoms are on and parts are in other parts. Let’s hope his moves are more like this…
Get in there and get it girl, have fun and pray to the bottle of Dom in your fridge that the below doesn’t happen…
- ‘Someone’ doesn’t finish too quickly. And by ‘someone’ I am obviously referring to HIM as that just doesn’t happen to us gals.
- Vag farts. Or queefs. I know that they’re natural but they’re embarrassing and awkward and you REALLY don’t want one to slip out in the presence of someone whose last name you’re unsure of.
- The dog/cat won’t stop looking at you. It’s like an unwanted audience and it’s not cute. It’s creepy.
- The condom gets, er…’stuck’. There’s nothing more real than fishing a gooey latex balloon from your lady parts because SOMEONE couldn’t be assed holding it.
- Things get too sweaty and your skin makes that weird squelching noise together like it’s joined forces.
- He ‘accidently’ tries to put his D in an entrance you didn’t give him access to.
6. THE AFTERMATH
TBH, sleeping with someone is way more intimate than sex itself so save the sleepovers for down the track a wee bit yeah?
That way you can get rid of the chap, enjoy the bed to yourself, not make awkward small talk in the AM, not have someone intrude on your hangover and not deal with morning stank breath.
So there you have it! Happy humping!
Words by Kelly McCarren.