Being broken up with is really hard. It’s when we need our girlfriends to give all the right breakup advice. Except really, nothing they can say is going to be right (unless what they’re saying is: ‘let’s go get tequila, pizza and chocolate then cry to sappy romcoms‘).
Below, we take a look at the classic things bits of breakup advice your gals give you- and what you’re really thinking when they do.
“You are so much better than him”
See, if I was better than him, he probably wouldn’t have left me for that 22-year-old supermodel-looking new girlfriend that is already telling all her Instagram followers how “in loooovvveeeeeee” they are. Probably. Just a guess.
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone”
Except all that happens is that now I have four people not returning my calls and I’m starting to feel like a bit of a slurry. Well, that didn’t work.
“It’s called a breakup because it’s broken”
If I wasn’t exhausted from crying myself to sleep each night with my playlist of Alanis Morissette and Evanescence songs – I’d laugh at this. I really would. Like what kind of genius came up with that? No shit Sherlock it’s broken. It’s broken and I want it fixed. Now, where’s the genius who can actually fix this brokenness rather than coming up with witty one-liners, huh?
“Time heals all wounds”
Is now the time to tell them that I accidentally found myself outside his door last night and accidentally had sex, maybe more than once, and then he may have told me in the morning that this meant nothing to him and that he hoped things in my life were going well – before giving me $5 to catch the bus home? Not the right time? Right-e-o then. Back to getting some of that time thing you talk about.
“There’s plenty more fish in the sea”
Except all the other fish are like that flathead I caught last summer – hard to reel in and once I did it was slimy, loosely flapped around, and was a little hard to digest.
“Use your breakup as a learning experience”
What lesson did I learn? Let’s see. I learnt that breakups suck. So now I’ve had that wonderful learning experience, can we just get back together? Alrighty then.
“Someone, somewhere is looking for exactly what you have to offer”
What’s that? There’s someone out there who wants somebody who’s still so completely infatuated with their ex that they just lie around moping about him all day? Show me this guy – he must be a real winner.
“Don’t worry that you drunk dialled him, he won’t think anything of it”
Oh gawwwwwdddddd. Oh gawd, oh gawd, oh gawd. The shameful memories of going between abusing him, to trying to make him feel jealous, to trying to seduce him, and then attempting to convince him to let you come over are all flooding back and it is cringe. He is most definitely thinking something about it. Dodging bullet thoughts, one expects.
Advice courtesy of gal pal Yelena Fairfax