Dating

How To Deal When Your BF Has A Different Sex Drive

If you're not screwing compatibly, is your relationship screwed?

Ask any sexpert and they’ll tell you: mismatched libidos are one of the most common problems couples face. While we all have different desires, it’s really frustrating to be with a partner who’s on the other side of the sex drive scale. So what do you do when one of you is always horny, and the other isn’t? The answer isn’t resigning yourself to a life of sexual frustration! These tips might help you to sync up.

Talk about it…

If you’re sexually unsatisfied, you have to speak up – but do it delicately. When you’re both relaxed, open up the conversation. Be honest and explain how you feel, and then offer specific solutions. Instead of telling your bf that you’re unhappy and letting him figure out how to please you, tell him exactly what you want, and why. If you’re the one with the higher sex drive, say something like, “I just want to be close to you, and I think that having sex three times a week will help us to feel more connected. Is there anything that you need from me?” The key is to come from a place of understanding (not criticism), and give your partner the chance to talk freely without judgement. Relationships are allll about communication! On the flipside, if you’re the person who’s under constant pressure to have sex, you could say, “I have a lower libido than you, but I want to be intimate and make you happy. Let’s start with two date nights a week and go from there?” Whatever you do, don’t nag, ask angry questions, or blame your bf. That’s not helpful, and will only cause him to get defensive.

Figure out if sex is the problem…

For many couples, the sex and a different sex drive aren’t the problems – it’s other issues in the relationship. Maybe you’re worried about money, moving or work. Maybe something happened that made you lose trust in your partner, or maybe you feel like they aren’t as supportive as they used to be. All of those niggling issues can put you off having sex, even subconsciously. If your sex slump has come out of nowhere, address any issues outside the bedroom first.

Get touchy feely…

Most people think of sex as PIV – but being sexual goes beyond that. When you’re trying to sync up, start by removing the pressure and anxiety around sex (this can be a huge help for the less-sexual partner) and simply touching each other more. Think of it as flirty fun: holding hands, hugging, snuggling up on the couch and cheeky butt grabs are the kind of small, sensual moments that all couples need. Then, spend time on other sexual activities. Make out like you’re teenagers, shower together, give each other massages, or share fantasies. The key is to just relish those moments. And if you’re the one with the revved-up sex drive, you’re not settling for less. By taking the time to make the other person feel loved and wanted, you’re helping them to feel tingly and turned on again.

Talk about relationship issues

Have fun with sex…

Sex is like hunger: it’s hard to get excited about eating the same thing every day. If you want the D less than usual, it could be that your sack sessions just aren’t doing it for you anymore. It’s time to experiment! Buy some shiny toys, or try a few new positions from the karma sutra app (lols are guaranteed). Have sex anywhere but the bed (like the kitchen, or outside), or bang in your lunch break. Challenge yourselves to draw out foreplay as long as you can by kissing, massaging or going down on each other until one person can’t stand it anymore. Watch porn together or read erotica. There’s no right or wrong answer here – just do whatever feels good/naughty/FUN.

get kinky

Ask for more foreplay…

Do you find you’re just not aroused when you’re having sex? Your bod might not be ready. While the average man’s peen will go up at the slightest touch, women require a little more stimulation. Tell your man to warm up the oven! Rather than skipping over oral sex and fingering like they’re entrees, make them the main meal. As a wise philosopher (probably) said, she comes first. Most women need clitoral stimulation or G spot action to get off, so if your guy can give you a helping hand – or tongue – everyone wins. The same goes if he has a lower sex drive than you. Don’t rush straight to the act – focus on him first and hit his pleasure points. Now, you’re not always going to be in the mood at the same time, but making each other feel good will do wonders for your sex life and your relationship as a whole.

Pick up on patterns with your sex drive…

If you and bf never sync up, you could be having sex – or trying to – at the wrong time. Tune into yourself and figure out when you’re most in the mood, and then look at your partner’s patterns. Maybe you don’t like having sex after a night on the d-floor, or maybe your bf is hopeless when he’s hungover the next day. If so, you can try sneaking in a quickie before you go out. Maybe your weekdays are crazy-busy and stressful, and sex is the last thing on your mind when you get home. If that’s the case, why not have sex in the morning? It’ll boost your mood and give you that lit-from-within glow, all before the BS of the workday. And maybe one of you is horny AF after exercising, and the other is exhausted. For the best ~sexual healing~, find a time that suits you both.

If that doesn’t help, look at your lifestyles. If your partner is a big party boy, or smokes, drinks too much coffee and is constantly stressed out, that can take a toll on their sex drive.

When you have a different sex drive

Turn up the romance…

Sex is the highest form of intimacy. To boost that intimacy, reignite the romantic side of your relationship. Over time, couples in long-term relationships settle into a routine, and that routine can become stale. We don’t love the idea of scheduling sex, so plan date nights instead (like you did when you first started dating). You can even plan a weekend getaway or if you’re balling, a surprise trip overseas. Then, get excited about the idea of spending time together. Treat yourself to a new dress for the occasion! These romantic gestures will make you feel more connected to your partner and put you in a sexual state of mind.

 

 Advice by Katia Iervasi. 

 

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