So there’s this new ‘dating review app’ that’s been released in the UK and it’s really giving us all serious *Black Mirror vibes.
*If you have no idea what I’m referring to please go watch ‘Nosedive’ on Netflix – it’s amazing.
Heralded as ‘the essential pre-dating discovery experience’ (by the owners I should add), Do I Date is like Trip Advisor or Uber… for your date. So you basically just leave a review after your date as you would a nice meal (or shit obvs) and you can read other peoples reviews on someone who you’re thinking about going on a date with.
It’s definitely an ‘interesting’ idea that has caused many debates around the office since we came across it. So I thought I’d write reviews for a few guys I’ve actually dated and you know what? It was actually pretty damn fun.
Name: The Finance Guy
Length Of Courtship 6 years
Painfully large shlong. Highly advise giving it a test run before you’re too invested. I waited a month and was then too far gone in the love bubble. Fast-forward 6 years and I was still lubing my lady parts up before I could even think about peen penetration. Nice guy, very caring and you can take him anywhere and he’ll talk to peeps like a normal human. Gives good foot massages but really shit gifts; there was a time I got a ‘verbal card’ with cash, and another time I got a pen. A fucking pen. Maintains abs with minimal effort, can cook decently, and father has a full head of hair which is promising. Is money hungry and will put work before everything, so would be a good catch for a fellow money-hungry greedy guts. Has quite the penchant for ‘nose candy’ but gives lovely cuddles. Would have received a 3.5-star rating but the jackass dropped off the face of the earth.
Name: The Worst Kisser
Length Of Courtship: 1 date
BEWARE! BAD KISSER ALERT! The WORST kisser in the world. Or at least in Sydney. I am forever traumatised by my experience. I think I swallowed a gallon of his own saliva. He’s also a moody motherfucker so just avoid at all costs.
Name: The Giant Squid
Length Of Courtship: 40 minutes
Chauvinistic sea-creature with the longest limbs I ever did see. Will catfish the fuck out of everyone on Tinder as he seems to have aptly forgotten that humans do physically change in a 15 year period. His jowl will quiver in unadulterated excitement at your jokes and he will ignore all social cues of immense distaste, before trying to wrap his squid-like
tentacles arms around you in an unwanted effort to get a smooch. Beware the squid-like creature who lurks in Sydney’s Darling Harbour.
Name: The Chubby Stoner
Length Of Courtship: 3 years
Loves marijuana more than life itself. Even more than his dog. Will be perpetually stoned and forget to human. Drinks so much he wakes up in own piss and vomit. Enjoys participating in verbal abuse. Extremely intelligent and will introduce you to new music, books, shows, art, and ways to ingest marijuana. VERY good at all of the sex stuff.
Name: The Ultimate Fuckboy
Length Of Courtship: 1 date
This fuckboy is very charming and he has a very posh accent, which we all know gets dem panties dropping. He will make you feel like the most special girl in the world, kiss you passionately, press his boner up against you, and then never contact you again.
Name: The Guy Who 100% Read ‘The Game’
Length Of Courtship: Unknown*
Charming, funny, handsome and sexy as hell; this guy knows the power he has over women and he exploits it in the best way possible. Cocky and confident AF, this chap is a world-class flirt and a perfect gentleman – until he gets you in the sack.
*Always inebriated in presence.
Name: The Guy Who Magic ‘Miked’ Me
Length Of Courtship: 3-4 *dates
Ladies, I can not recommend this chap highly enough. He’s not going to be your boyfriend and he’s certainly not husband material – but for a good old-fashioned dickin’, – he’s your man. Great banter, lots of laughs and mind-blowing sex; he’s the perfect chap to message on a lonely Sunday night when you need a good shag. The closest thing you’ll ever get to the real Magic Mike.
*And by ‘dates’, I mean with my bed as the location.
Name: The Husband
Length Of Courtship: 3 dates
Marry him. This chap is adorable, funny, driven and lovely. Unfortunately, I wanted to have sex with him as much as I wanted to have sex with a kettle. The attraction just wasn’t there. It might be because he wore a vest.
Name: The Teeny Tiny ‘You Know’
Length Of Courtship: 6 dates
WARNING: Items are far smaller than one would
hope for think. Don’t look at this 6’6 muscular hunk and assume he has a delicious piece. It’s small. Tiny, even. I gave it a red hot go, let me tell you. But it just didn’t work. He did have a surprising talent for erm, ‘other’ sexual things involving a tongue that could win a medal. Very enthusiastic about EXERCISE and his CAR and LIFE. Nice enough chap but a bit of a tosser and the tiny piece thing ain’t exactly #goals.
Name: The Scottish Stallion
Length Of Courtship: Few months
With an accent to froth over and a devilishly wicked smile; this young Gerard Butler doppelganger will make you weak at the knees. Loud, clever and fun; he does enjoy talking about himself a wee bit too much but his boyish charm and hairy hugs make up for it.
Quick tip: Don’t leave whisky near him. He will finish the entire bottle, to the hell with it being an 80-year-old bottle you were saving for your Grandpa’s 90th.
Words by Kelly McCarren.