Enter my trusty bottle of fake tan and all is well in the world again.
BUT! Tanning is a precarious activity, things can go downhill quickly, so watch my tips and tricks below for acing your base like no one else.
What to do (in case you didn’t understand my points between my inane chattering and the fat pussy getting sick):
- Shower and use exfoliating gloves or a brush to remove dead skin cells, old tan etc.
- Shave your pits and legs as the tan will collect on the hairs.
- Towel dry yourself thoroughly.
- Moisturise your dry areas like elbows, hands, feet, ankles and knees. Use sparingly, don’t slather it all over yourself.
- Apply tan using an application mitt over your entire body in circular motions, ensuring it’s completely rubbed in.
- Buff away excess tan using a fluffy makeup brush, paying particular attention to areas that tend to go weirdly discoloured and streaky (like your pits).
- Buff excess tan from your mitt onto your hands.
- Pop on a loose kaftan or PJs. Nothing that cuts into your skin.
- Carve out your facial contours using excess tan on a smaller (clean) makeup brush.
- Lightly mist with a spray tan formula.
You can use the fluffy makeup brush to apply the tan all over if you don’t have sensitive or acne-prone skin.
What NOT to do (because I didn’t cover these points):
- Apply deodorant before tanning.
- Sweat, get wet or accidentally wash your hands while it’s developing. The result is a streaky, patchy mess. Not pretty.
- Use oil based shower gels or moisturisers as they strip off the colour.
- Sleep on your good bed linen. I highly recommend buying a cheap blanket from K-MART that you cocoon yourself in while you sleep in tan. No more yellow, smelly sheets!
- Forget about your mitt. Orange hands aren’t cute.
Words by Kelly McCarren.